Popular jokes (17446 to 17460)

Three Little Ducks go into a B

Three Little Ducks go into a Bar...
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the rely.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?"
"Oh, that's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer back fro the second duck.
"So, how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

Why Men Live So Long

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will

work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on

your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will

live for 35 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too

much. Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You

will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to

whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his

table scraps and live for 30 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like

that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey.

You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You

will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown

of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10

years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the

only rational Being that walks the earth. You will

use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of

the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20

years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too

little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused,

the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey

rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry

and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy

loads on his back. Then, he is to have

children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and

eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry;

then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting

like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so...

Often-looted grocery

“The often-looted grocery accepted no credit cards because their business was mainly smash-and-carry.”

A large woman put on a dress a

A large woman put on a dress and asked her husband if the dress made her look different.
Her husband said, " You’re asking the wrong person, I saw you before you put it on.

Robert Schmidt 11

The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's unfinished basement.
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Let's say you stuff a cat's tail up his ass until it peeks out of his mouth, and you give the tip of its tail a sound yank. Would the cat turn inside out?
I recently changed my name to Resident Occupant. The local post office would like to speak with me but they're not sure where I live. Last week they used a barge to deliver my mail. But I don't think I'm getting it all. So if you happen to see any of it...
I'm getting a tattoo. It's going to be all over my whole body--a tattoo of myself. Only taller.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman".
I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants ... I use a megaphone.

How does a bunny eat? A: ro

How does a bunny eat? A: Very carrotfully!

What did the Pacific Ocean say...

What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean?

Abe Lincoln

Back in the colonial days a man wanted to grow hair on his chest to impress his new girlfriend.

So he went up to George Washington and asked "Hey George how do I get hair on my chest

to impress my woman while we make love?"

George Washington said "man, I don't know, you are talking to the wrong man, why don't

you talk to one of the other great fathers of this country like John Adams"

So he went to John Adams, and asked, "Hey John how do I get hair on my chest to impress my girlfriend while we make love?

John Adams said "my son you are talking to the wrong person, you need to talk to Abe Lincoln"

So he went to Abe Lincoln. he said "Sir, how do I get hair on my chest to impress my girlfriend while we make love???"

Abe said "that is easy, every night before you make love, go down there and rub your chest all over it, this will help fertilize it!" so with the advice from Abe he did.

About 3 months later, while walking down the street, he saw Abe, he hollered at him and ripped his shirt open exposing a chest full of hair, and said "it works, it works!!!!"

Abe reached up and stroked his beard twice and said, "I KNOW, I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!"

Editted by Curtis

Bobbit Hillbillies

To the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies:

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John,

a poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone.

It seems one night after gettin' with his wife;

she loped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis that is.

Clean cut.

Missed his nuts.

Well the next thing you know there's a Ginsue by his side

And Lorena is in the car taking willie for a ride.

She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,

And she tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.

Curve that is.

Tossed the nub

in the scrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack

and they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.

They sniffed and they barked And they pointed 'over there'.

To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

Found that is.

By the fence.

Evidence.

So the dick doc said, `Hey, I can fix your dong.

A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need.'

And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny peed.

Whizzed that is.

Even seam.

Straight steam.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his dick to court.

With a half-arsed lawyer, 'cause his assets came up short.

They cleared her assault and acquitted him of rape

And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape.

Video that is.

Unexposed.

Case closed.

Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?!

Classy Insults

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

Miss Maddox loved collecting c

Miss Maddox loved collecting coins. How do I know? Because I numismatics.

William Bennett recalls when o...

William Bennett recalls when one of his "radical students" at Boston University announced that he and his girlfriend were getting married for "as long as we feel good about each other."
It seemed rather temporary to Dr. Bennett, so for a wedding present, he says, "I gave them paper plates.

Puns about feminism are a setb

Puns about feminism are a setback for women's glib.

“I sure felt a lot be

“I sure felt a lot better after buying a parking structure last week.”

 Question And Answer Blond Jokes

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.