Popular jokes (17716 to 17730)

 Answering Machine Message 29

Thank you for calling 217-2962. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

Little Johnny wasn't very good...

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral
spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the
blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we
have if we placed a "K" in the front?"

After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"

Q: Why do ducks have webbed fe...

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out burning ducks.

Before his daring escape from ...

Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the land, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made.

The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the ambitious sheriff of a small Southern town: "PICTURES RECEIVED. ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST."

The Purina Diet Craze

...

The Purina Diet Craze

I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to stagger out the door

A good juice bar alw...

“A good juice bar always puts their customers thirst.”

An artist asked the gallery ow

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."

Pet Psychiatrist

Billy: I think we’ve over-trained our dog! Look at him—he’s a nervous wreck.
Wanda: Why not take him to a pet psychiatrist?
Billy: Oh, we can’t do that... one of the things we’ve trained him not to do is go on the couch!

Q: How many m...

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A: None. It should be open when the woman brings it to you.

Arranging furniture? Turn on s

Arranging furniture? Turn on some music. You won't have to ask, “Where does disco?”

Dear Dogs and Cats,
Animal...

Dear Dogs and Cats,
Animal Humor. Cat and dog jokes.

The dishes with the paw print belong to you and contain your food. The rest of the dishes belong to me and contain my food.

Please note, if you put a paw print in the middle of my plate or food, that does not stake a claim for it. It is still mine. I also do not find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

NASCAR did not design the stairway. It is not a racetrack. Trying to beat me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me will not help you win because I will fall faster than you can run.

A king-sized bed is the largest that is made. I cannot get anything bigger. I am sorry about this. Do not expect me to continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats are capable of curling into a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular next to each other and stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

Sticking your tail out straight and hanging your tongue out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I manage to beat you there and get the door shut, it is not necessary to whine, meow, claw, try to turn to doorknob, or squeeze your paw under the door to try to pull it open. I have to exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years -- feline or canine attendance is not required.

A Penny For Your Thoughts

What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for his thoughts?

Change.

The Sapling

There was this sapling that didn't know what kind of tree he was. He was growing up between a birch tree and a beech tree and thought they might be able to tell him what kind of tree he was.

First he asks Mr. Birch Tree and says.."Mr. Birch, Mr. Birch, I gotta know...am I a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

Mr. Birch replies, "Well, i don't know, you could be a son of a beech, you could be a son of a birch, why don't you go ask Mr. Beech?"

So the sapling goes "Mr. Beech, Mr. Beech, i gotta know, am I a son of a Beech or a son of a birch?"

And Mr. Beech says, "well, I dont know, but I do know someone that will be able to tell you, I'll call him up and he'll tell you what you are."

So, Mr. Beech calls good ole Mr Woodpecker and explains the situation to him. Mr Woodpecker explains to the sapling that he must take a nibble of his bark to be able to tell him what he is and the sapling agrees.

Well, the woodpecks takes a nibble and exclaims "My...you're neither a son of a beech or a son of a birch but the finest piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in!"

“Flatfish always do t

“Flatfish always do their job. They know their plaice.”

“Circus dogs fly thro

“Circus dogs fly through the air with the greatest of fleas.”