Popular jokes (17941 to 17955)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
An infamous stud with a long l
An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong."I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied.
"Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop f**king his wife."
"So stop," the bartender said.
"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"
A man comes home from his golf...
A man comes home from his golf game, and his wife asks if he had a good time."No," he said. "In fact, it was the worst day of my life! Harry dropped dead of a heart attack on the 9th hole!"
Sympathetic, his wife says, "Oh, poor Harry! And that must have been awful for you!"
The golfer replies, "You're telling me! For the whole back nine, it was 'Hit the ball, drag Harry; Hit the ball, drag Harry...'"
My friends and I exhumed a tib
My friends and I exhumed a tibia. It was quite the shin dig!Rain Or Shine Test
Dick: Great News! Teacher said we would have a test rain or shine.
Jane: What’s so great about that?
Dick: It’s snowing.
“I think Santa has ri...
“I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.”
Once upon a time there was a f...
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet."Hello?" she cried, but heard no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO!!! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away:
"We're down here..."
Changing Number Terms
In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition:
The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem.
Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.
Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.
Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light.
Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks.
Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt !
Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.
Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle.
665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Ralph.
Little Johnny's class were on ...
Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."Keep the change
An elderly couple visits their grown-up grandson one night. While in the bathroom, Grandpa discovers a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cupboard.
"I don't think you should take one of those," says the grandson when his grandpa asks him about them: "They're pretty expensive."
"How much?" asks the old timer.
"$20 a pill," replies the grandson.
"I'd still like to try one," says the old man: "Before we go in the morning I'll leave the money under the pillow in the guest room."
The next day the grandson goes into the guest room, and lifts the pillow to find $120. Puzzled, he calls his grandpa. "Grandpa, I told you the pills were $20 each!" he says.
"I know," says the old man: "The extra $100 is from your grandma!"
You Can Now Eat Your Own Plate
Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further - eat the plate.
Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers.
Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each.
Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn - can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.
Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.
Kay was a beautiful girl. As s
Kay was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dived in. A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.Having gotten out of the water and discovered that her clothes had been stolen, Kay decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home. Along came James, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Kay. "Come on," he said. "I'll ride you into town."
She jumped on his bicycle and rode sidesaddle in front of James. James said nothing, but after ten minutes Kay was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?"
"Sure," said James. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?"
A teacher asks her class...
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny."None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
The hero...
Joe is at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted while St. Peter is leafing through his files to see if Joe is worthy of entry.
"Joe," says St. Pete, "I can't see that you've done anything really bad in your life but I can't see that you've done anything really good that would qualify you for Heaven. Can you tell me ANY good deed you've ever done?"
Joe thinks for a moment and says "Sure. I was driving through a bad part of town when I saw about 50 biker guys assaulting this poor girl. I slammed on my brakes, grabbed a tire iron, and walked up to this big guy who seemed to be the leader. All these guys let the girl run away and they formed a circle around me to see what I was gonna do. I laid that tire iron right across his head and he dropped like a stone. Then I turned and yelled to the rest of them "If I ever see you guys around this town again, I'll give you a real lesson in pain."
"Wow" says St. Peter, "I guess you really do qualify for Heaven. Tell me, when did this happen?"
"Oh", says Joe, "about two minutes ago."
