Popular jokes (17956 to 17970)

 Question And Answer Animal Jokes

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell station!
Q: Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?
A: To invent the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To corrupt the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken IRS representative cross the road?
A: To bankrupt the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side.
Q: Why did chicken Dr. Kevorkian cross the road?
A: To help the patient find the other side.
Q: Why did chicken Jim Morrison cross the road?
A: To break on through to the other side.
Q: Why do birds fly South?
A: Because it's too far to walk.

Can't See It

Mom: Having trouble with your computer, son?
Son: My PC says it can't see my printer.
Mom: I'm not surprised. Look how messy your room is.

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

Bahá'í is a Prophet Sharing Organization.

“I think Santa has ri...

“I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.”

Once upon a time there was a f...

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but heard no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO!!! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away:

"We're down here..."

 Changing Number Terms

In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition:
The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem.
Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.
Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.
Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light.
Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks.
Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt !
Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.
Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle.
665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Ralph.

Little Johnny's class were on ...

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

Keep the change

An elderly couple visits their grown-up grandson one night. While in the bathroom, Grandpa discovers a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cupboard.

"I don't think you should take one of those," says the grandson when his grandpa asks him about them: "They're pretty expensive."

"How much?" asks the old timer.

"$20 a pill," replies the grandson.

"I'd still like to try one," says the old man: "Before we go in the morning I'll leave the money under the pillow in the guest room."

The next day the grandson goes into the guest room, and lifts the pillow to find $120. Puzzled, he calls his grandpa. "Grandpa, I told you the pills were $20 each!" he says.

"I know," says the old man: "The extra $100 is from your grandma!"

 Real News Headlines 01

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

 You Can Now Eat Your Own Plate

Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further - eat the plate.
Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers.
Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each.
Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn - can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.
Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.

Kay was a beautiful girl. As s

Kay was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dived in. A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.
Having gotten out of the water and discovered that her clothes had been stolen, Kay decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home. Along came James, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Kay. "Come on," he said. "I'll ride you into town."
She jumped on his bicycle and rode sidesaddle in front of James. James said nothing, but after ten minutes Kay was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?"
"Sure," said James. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?"

A teacher asks her class...

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

The hero...

Joe is at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted while St. Peter is leafing through his files to see if Joe is worthy of entry.

"Joe," says St. Pete, "I can't see that you've done anything really bad in your life but I can't see that you've done anything really good that would qualify you for Heaven. Can you tell me ANY good deed you've ever done?"

Joe thinks for a moment and says "Sure. I was driving through a bad part of town when I saw about 50 biker guys assaulting this poor girl. I slammed on my brakes, grabbed a tire iron, and walked up to this big guy who seemed to be the leader. All these guys let the girl run away and they formed a circle around me to see what I was gonna do. I laid that tire iron right across his head and he dropped like a stone. Then I turned and yelled to the rest of them "If I ever see you guys around this town again, I'll give you a real lesson in pain."

"Wow" says St. Peter, "I guess you really do qualify for Heaven. Tell me, when did this happen?"

"Oh", says Joe, "about two minutes ago."

The year is 2024 and the Unite

The year is 2024 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"
"Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2025, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.
"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?"
The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."
Says Mom proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

A lawyer was well into a lengt

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, when he stopped and said, "I object, your honor! One of the jurors is asleep." The Judge ruled, "You put him to sleep, so you wake him up."