Popular jokes (18046 to 18060)

Proctologist's Accident

Q: What kind of accident did the proctologist have?

A: He was rear-ended.

The Smarter Sex?

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad

one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly

neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars,

the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a

woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but

fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that

we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for

the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely."

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And

look at this, here's another miracle. My car is

completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good

fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head

in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle

and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the

bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back

to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the

police."

 Bad To Say At Funerals

Top Things You Should Not Say At A Funeral

1. Geez, what died in here?
   
2. He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.
   
3. Nice service...where's the keg?
   
4. When did he die...really...hey Bob, you won the pool!!!
   
5. Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking for...oh, never mind.
   
6. Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.
   
7. You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.
   
8. Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.
   

What men say and what it re

What men say and what it really means
"I can't find it." Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"That's women's work." Really means: "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
"Will you marry me?" Really means: "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"It's a guy thing." Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain." Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late." Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're worrying too hard." Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means: "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means: "I forgot our anniversary again."
"It's really a good movie." Really means: "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means: "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal." Really means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house." Really means: "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
"What did I do this time?" Really means: "What did you catch me doing?"
"She's one of the rabid feminists." Really means: "She refused to make my coffee."
"I heard you." Really means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You really look terrific in that outfit." Really means: "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you." Really means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means: "I make the messes. She cleans them up."
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means: "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

Health Nut

After participating in a nutritional-health class, my 16 year-old daughter, Sarah, encouraged her sisters to try whole-grain breads and whole-wheat pasta, and complained if we were having anything that looked too processed.
At dinnertime one evening, she entered the kitchen, spied the food on the plates and boldly asked: "Are those whole-wheat potatoes?"

“When words newly coi

“When words newly coined are included in the dictionary, it brings about many a change!”

Mr. Anderson: I am very lucky.

Mr. Anderson: I am very lucky. When I talk with my wife, she always bows her head.
Mr. Smith: Why?
Mr. Anderson: Because she is taller than me.

 Go To Save My Friend

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.
One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female.
The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend.
Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

Restaurants Like Tech Support

If Restaurants Functioned Like Tech Support

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it’s still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!!

A tourist was admiring the nec

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

When I arrived home from farmi...

When I arrived home from farming the fields, my wife suggested I be seeded. She gave me a baleful look. There was bad news. It appears someone stole harvest. “Somebody dung us wrong, in an awful manure,” she said. I was upset, and wanted to cull the crops, so they could catch the fallow. “I till you, he must sty!” Such events make farmers almanac. Indeed, it seems like part of a larger plot, made my mind acre just threshing out the possibilities. When I finish with him, he won't be live, stocking at all.

So this posh restaurant is loo

So this posh restaurant is looking for a piano player. A friend of the manager, the owner of a nearby jazz club, has a recommendation: "You should give Stewart Campbell a ring. He's a bit eccentric, mind, but he's a genius."
Well, all artists have a bit of a peculiar side, the manager thinks. And sure enough, he calls him up and the next day Campbell shows up for an interview.
"I'm Stu," he says as he comes in, suit dishevelled, hair unkempt, and reeking of booze. "You were looking for a piano player?"
"Err, yes, what do you play?" the manager inquires.
"Anything," says Stu, "Anything at all so long as I wrote it meself."
"All... right -- can you do a little, say, smooth jazz?"
"Not a problem." Stu sits down at this stately old grand piano, and plays this most velvety, intricate but accessible piece.
As the last notes ring out, the manager is noticeably impressed. "That was great! What's it called?"
"'Bugger a Sheep While Taking a Dump'," Stu answers.
"Oh...kay," the confused manager responds. "Well, how about something a bit more uptempo, maybe some crossover?"
And sure enough, without missing a beat he performs the funkiest, sultriest piece of music you ever heard.
"That's perfect!" the manager exclaims. "Does that have a title?"
"Yeah, this one's called 'Incontinent Crack Whore On a Tuesday Morning'."
Now, the restaurant's manager finds Stu strange indeed, to say the least, but he's just so good, he has to hire him, on the one condition that he won't introduce his works.
And sure enough, the next day he's bringing the house down over dinner and the wait staff is flooded with guests sending him their compliments, when in walks the most beautiful woman, tall and blonde in heels and a little black dress, and sits down at the table right in front of the piano.
Stu is just starting another of his most inspired easy listening compositions, but he struggles to keep playing as he just cannot stop staring at this most attractive lady.
Finally, he can't take it any longer and breaks off the song midway through and and rushes to the bathroom to masturbate furiously. Just as hurriedly he rushes back and starts playing again right where he left off.
When the song has finished the woman asks Stu, "Excuse me, do you know your cock's hanging out and there's cum all over your shoes?"
And Stu responds, "Know it? I f**king WROTE it!"

The engineer...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

School Teacher in Court

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher.
The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"

Three Guy's In Hell

T...

Three Guy's In Hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

Cindy, you have sinned ........