Popular jokes (18256 to 18270)

The Smarter Sex?

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad

one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly

neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars,

the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a

woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but

fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that

we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for

the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely."

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And

look at this, here's another miracle. My car is

completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good

fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head

in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle

and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the

bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back

to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the

police."

A Texan farmer goes to Austral...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an
Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat
field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least
twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that
are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a
herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks,
"And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look,
"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
This joke is from the collection at www.usaone.net/jokenet

I have an idea for a...

“I have an idea for a chain of Elvis Presley steak houses. It will be for people who love meat tender.”

 Humor About Retirement

OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go to the end zone
OLD FOOTBALLERS never die, they just kick the bucket
OLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine away
OLD FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount
OLD HAMS never die, they just get grounded
OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips
OLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air

Marry a virgin

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when acaller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a virgin?"
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

“If you want a big ba

“If you want a big bang for your dollar, buying balloons is okay, but buying wood to build a fire works.”

A small zoo just outside Belfa

A small zoo just outside Belfast obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Paddy O'Riley, a part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Paddy had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Paddy was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500.00?
Paddy showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Paddy said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a "Ireland forever T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Paddy said, "I want all the children raised as Catholics." Once again it was agreed.
"And last," Paddy said, "I'll need another week to come up with the £500.00."

Mathematical solution

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

The lawyer and the car wreck.

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he shrieked.

"You lawyers are so materialistic it's amazing!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh no...." replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been.

"Where's my Rolex???"

At a fine-dining restaurant, t

At a fine-dining restaurant, the waiter approached a man who was carefully studying the menu. "May I take your order, sir?" he asked.
"Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chicken," The man replied.
"Oh, it's nothing too special, sir," the waiter confided, "We just tell them straight out they're going to die."

 A Forester And Lawyer

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

I was barely sitting down when

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don'tknow what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' justfine.'
And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is toobizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hearanother question. 'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just bepolite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busyright now!!!'
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stallwho keeps answering all my questions.'

Wife: "Look here Mike. See how

Wife: "Look here Mike. See how Mary's husband takes her to movies and dinner every week end. Why can't you do that?"
Mike: "Sure dear, anything you say. Just make sure that Mary is free on the next week end."

Famous Mothers Quotes

MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

COLUMBUS’ MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still could have written!”

MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: “Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: “All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: “But it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?”

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

JONAH’S MOTHER: “That’s a nice story. Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years.”

THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!”

PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.”

The Statues

For deca...

The Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

You've been such exemplary statues, he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

You still have fifteen more minutes, said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."