Popular jokes (18721 to 18735)

CIA sent me to dentist today

Officer to driver going the wr

Officer to driver going the wrong way up a one way street. "And where do you think you are going?"
Driver: - "I'm not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is coming back."

A Texan farmer goes to Austral...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an
Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat
field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least
twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that
are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a
herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks,
"And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look,
"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
This joke is from the collection at www.usaone.net/jokenet

A frustrated father told a wor

A frustrated father told a work colleague: "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD player."
"So what do you do?"
The father replied: "I send him to my room!"

I gave up my jazz career to ma

I gave up my jazz career to marry a cosmetic surgeon. Now I play the sacks o fun.

From a passenger ship one can ...

From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."

Mother Teresa Goes to Heaven

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven.

God greets her at the Pearly Gates. "Are you hungry, Mother Teresa?" says God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies.

So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.

While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.The next day God again invites her to join Him for a meal.

Again, it is tuna and rye bread.

Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.

Still she says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.

She can't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand."

God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"

Elephants and Marshmallows

Q: Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
A: Because he didnt want to fall into the hot chocolate.

This preacher was looking for

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found oneat a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning."This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.
Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."
The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny'shouse. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."
"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."
The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"
"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

Recently I received a parrot a

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced withprofanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistentlysaying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I couldthink of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird andput him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,
I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language andactions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions andI fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude andunforgivable behavior."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramaticchange in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Work virus

There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.

If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub.

Order the antidote known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life.

REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!

Heaven's Unitarian Population

Why are there are no Unitarians in Heaven?Because they heard there was a choice between going to Heaven or a discussion group about the existence of Heaven.

Who Wants To Be a Millionaire....

A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.

So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.

The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"

Dear Pun Gents Dear Pun Gents, I am combining all of my side gigs into one, and need a name. I craft unique decor, party plan and do make up artistry. HELP ME. ~Athena, Chicago

#joke #short

Women with duck

Women goes into a bar with a duck under her arm.

Bartenders says "what'll the pig have."

The woman says, "that's not a pig, that's a duck!".

I know says the bartender, "I was talking to the duck."