Popular jokes (18766 to 18780)

What guys really mean...

'I'm going fishing.'
Really means... 'I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid
and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish
swim by in complete safety.'

'It's a guy thing.'
Really means.... 'There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making
it logical.'

'Can I help with dinner?'
Really means... 'Why isn't it already on the table?'

'Uh huh,' 'Sure, honey,' or 'Yes, dear.'
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.

'It would take too long to explain.'
Really means... 'I have no idea how it works.'

'I'm getting more exercise lately.'
Really means... 'The batteries in the remote are dead.'

'We're going to be late.'
Really means... 'Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like
a maniac.'

'Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.'
Really means....'I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner.'

'That's interesting, dear.'
Really means... 'Are you still talking?'

'Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love.'
Really means... 'I forgot our anniversary again.'

'You expect too much of me.'
Really means... 'You want me to stay awake?'

'That's women's work.'
Really means... 'It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.'

'You know how bad my memory is.'
Really means... 'I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle
Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I
forgot your birthday.'

'Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal.'
Really means... 'I have severed a limb, but will bleed to
death before I admit I'm hurt.'

'I do help around the house.'
Really means... 'I once put a dirty towel in the laundry
basket.'

'Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing.'
Really means... 'I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty
soon.'

'I can't find it.'
Really means... 'It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless.'

'What did I do this time?'
Really means... 'What did you catch me doing?'

'I heard you.'
Really means... 'I haven't the foggiest clue what you just
said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well
enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at
me.'

'You look terrific.'
Really means... 'Oh, God, please don't try on one more
outfit. I'm starving.'

'I missed you.'
Really means... 'I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are
hungry and we are out of toilet paper.'

'I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.'
Really means... 'I'm lost. I have no idea where we are,
and no one will ever see us alive again.'

'We share the housework.'
Really means... 'I make the messes, you clean them up.'

'This relationship is getting too serious.'
Really means... 'You're cutting into the time I spend with
my truck.'

'I don't need to read the instructions.'
Really means... 'I am perfectly capable of screwing it up
without printed help.'

Bovine Hijinx

Q; What do cows do for fun?

A: They go to the moo-vies!

One Liners
B

One Liners
Before the 60s, most teenagers used self-control.
Money talks, but credit has an echo.
Practice courtesy. You never know when it might become popular again.
One man's wage rise is another man's price increase.
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner.
The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.
When you're at school, you wish you were old enough to work.
Night falls ... but ... Day breaks.
If you think you have it tough, read history books.
It's a new year, do you know where your credit cards are?
I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
You have a lifetime to work, but children are only young once.
A hundred men may make an encampment, but it takes a woman to make a home.
A healthy male adult bore, consumes each year, one and a half times his weight, in other people's patience.
Whenever buying a gift for a couple celebrating their 60th anniversary, buy them something they will use right away.
I told my teenage son to enjoy this part of his life, that he would never again feel so secure in his ignorance.
I know that you're nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.

Santa Baby

Can you please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman???
I almost got kidnapped 3 times today!!!

A woman in her 30's was takin

A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.
When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The following conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?
Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!
Daughter: I don't have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...
Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!

Orange

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
Because it ran out of juice!

Who Lands First?

Q: A blond and a brunette jump off of the Empire State

Building. Who lands first?

A: The brunette. (The blond is an airhead - she simply

floats away.)

The knitter

“The knitter did not say much but she shrugged a lot!”

A drunk walks up to a barkeepe

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?"
The barkeeper says, "Depends on how good of a trick it is."
The drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a chipmunk and places him behind the piano. The chipmunk starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.
The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?"
The barkeeper says, "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night."
The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the chipmunk."
Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em.
After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and frantically asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.
The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 million dollars for that act."
The drunks says, "Not for sale".
The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scatting rat."
The drunk say, "Deal."
The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.
The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a million dollar act that you just broke up for a wimpy 100 grands?"
The Drunk says, "Relax, the chipmunk is a ventriloquist."

New Miranda Rights

1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.
2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.
3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.
4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.
5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.
6. Good luck. On your mark, get set....GO!!!!!

Empire State Building Fall

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hey," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."

A preacher was walking down th

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"

Eating beans before a tennis m

Eating beans before a tennis match? You will find yourself Agassi opponent.

My Men Are Very Brave

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

What is his occupation?

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"