Popular jokes (19366 to 19380)

Real Estate Sale – UNITED STATES – The Battle Continues

The British Government has revoked the Declaration of Independence. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, has placed the USA on the real estate market. Monies raised shall contribute to the upkeep of the British Monarchy.

So far, land has been allocated to the following parties by Royal Decree:

ENGLAND. Wish to reclaim and retain their original East Coast territories e.g. New England, Massachussetts, Virginia etc etc. These parts were colonised in the time of Queen Elizabeth I so it would be neat if they were reclaimed by Queen Elizabeth II. Any exceptions to this are as noted below and are granted out of Her Majesty's generosity to fellow European nations. We don't actually want to live in these places, you understand and, in due course, we will ship out our unemployed or undesirables to these states since Australia won't accept them any more.
THE NETHERLANDS. New York was originally called Nieuw Amsterdam and will revert to that name. The term 'yankee' is derived from the Dutch 'Jan Kees' ('John Cheese' - a generic person) and the willingness of certain parties to call themselves or others 'Yankees' is the manifestation of a subconscious desire to return to being a Dutch territory. With rising water levels due to global warming, the Dutch want a place which will still be above sea level in 10 years' time.
NORTHERN IRELAND. Since the US is so damned interested in Northern Irish affairs and has bigger St Patrick's Day celebrations than the Irish in their native country, it seems sensible to relocate the Irish to Utah (demonstrating that Her Majesty has a sense of humour). A state will be bought for them as a gift from the British Government. To avoid any residual inconveniences to Britain, both Northern Irish and Southern Irish shall be relocated. They'll fit right into the gun-culture and it will save on postage costs for NORAID. Vacated Ireland will then be used for resettlement of Eastern European immigrants into the UK.
ISRAEL. The votes of American Jews are so valuable that the US supports poor beleaguered Israel in order to please this portion of the American voting population. Rather than fight over a little bit of desert stuck in the middle of a bunch of Muslim countries, it seems sensible to simply relocate all Israelis to America. Jerusalem can be recreated in Hollywood where it will be bigger and better than the original without the inconvenience of being a war-zone. 'Jerusaland' will be a theme park in Southern Florida. Since all Israelis do National Service in the Army, they will provide an immediate police/security force - and one without obesity problems. Israel will therefore have most of Southern Florida, excluding Miami which will go to Cuba.
CUBA Will get Miami, Florida. They currently have it in all but name. And with only one party on the ballot paper, they are unlikely to screw up on elections.
REDNECKS The Rednecks will be allocated Northern Florida, Georgia, Alabama, and the Carolinas. No-one else wants to live there. Incest and trailers will be mandatory in these states.
CANADA. They're only next door so Her Majesty is going to award them 'that scruffy bit of land next to their back yard' and ask them to get it decently under control. That way, they can let Quebec declare independence or sell itself to France and not be inconvenienced by the loss of a scrap of land.
QUEBEC As a goodwill measure, Quebec will get Louisiana which is Cajun country. No-one else wants the place since the staple diet of crayfish is considered unfit for human consumption. In winter, they can all close up Quebec and head south to warmer climes. Quebec/Louisiana will be renamed 'North Arcadia' and 'South Arcadia'.
FRANCE Will be co-owner North and South Arcadia.
MEXICO. The number of legal and illegal immigrants into the US makes parts of the US Mexican by default. Spanish is becoming the main language in many parts and Hispanics the main ethnic group. Might as well make it official. No-one's going to notice the difference. Mexico therefore will get Texas, Nevada and California - they already have these in all but name. The Pacific Ocean will eventually claim coastal California anyway.
ITALY New Jersey will go to Italy who already control it anyway via the mob. Only the paperwork remains to be filed ...
JAPAN They will get Hawaii … at long last. Sumo wrestling will be the Hawaiian national sport.
TEXACO Have put in a bid for Alaska. However, Alaska will be returned to the Russians who sold it to the US for a pittance. They can then sell the oil on to Texaco and get the Russian economy going again.
GERMANY Germany will get Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. The 'Pennsylvania Dutch' are in fact of German origin. Pennsylvania will be turned into a special reserve (a 'living museum') for reclusive religious orders which shun the trappings of modern life such as Shakers, Amish and Pennsylvania Dutch.
UNITED NATIONS Will take control of all American Armed Forces. We mean the real armed forces, not the private militias. Private militias are, of course, free to apply to Sierra Leone where there are plenty of employment opportunities, unless of course you are racist in which case South Africa may be more appropriate. That way the UN-controlled US Forces can come along and beat the sh*t out of you just like they've always wanted to do, but never been allowed to do.
ARYAN NATION Aryan Nation will get Idaho. Idaho will become a white supremacist state. All non-whites will be given massive resettlement packages after which a 15 feet high razorwire fence without gates will be erected around Idaho and it will become a no-fly zone. Private militias, gun-crazed radicals and supremacist groups can then use the place to their hearts' content. It will be a closed state so they can only wipe out each other due to having no-one else to wipe out. Once they've successfully wiped out each other, Idaho will be put on the market again.
NATIVE POPULATION A bit of South Dakota will be allocated in perpetuity to the American Indians. They will also get Manhattan Island back. Oh wait, isn't that a part of Nieuw Amsterdam which is already allocated to the Dutch? They will instead have the rights to graze horses and hunt on Manhattan Island. But we'd like our beads back please.
ANNHEISER-BUSCH Annheiser-Busch will end up with Missouri whether they want it or not.
ILLEGAL ALIENS An alien is an extraterrestrial. A person from another country is a 'foreigner' not an 'alien'. Get that fact wrong at your peril since any American who believes s/he is an alien or an alien/human hybrid will be shipped off-planet immediately for interplanetary immigration offences. After that, it's up to you to find your way back to your planet of origin or get your parent to come pick you up. Any American wishing to opt out of this deal by being abducted by aliens is free to do so. Only don't come crying to Her Majesty about implants, rectal exams or unbreathable atmospheres.
MISCELLANEOUS REQUESTS UNDER CONSIDERATION: We are looking for a buyer for San Francisco. Norway will have Minnesota,  and anywhere coastal that they can hunt whales. Microsoft will have Washington State. Bill Gates will have the big White place. Intel will have Oregon. Ford wants Michigan

 

Hilarious jokes-Pilot in trouble

Would you walk into an unsuppo

Would you walk into an unsupported building? For most people, it's a matter of truss.

Q. What did the fish say when ...

Q. What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?

A. Dam!

Pharmacist: May I help you, si

Pharmacist: May I help you, sir?
Customer: Yes...I, uh...well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I'm going out on a date tonight, and you know, I need some...
Pharmacist: You need some protection.
Customer: Right.
Pharmacist: Small, medium, or large?
Customer: Uhhhh. Medium, I guess.
Pharmacist: Okay, that'll be $2.35 including tax.
Customer: Tacks!!! I thought they stayed on by themselves!

A Polish man moved to the USA ...

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "No, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof.

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."

Phone Line

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines."

History Of The Bagpipes

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

Two quick ones...

Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? He knew in advance what he was going to forget.

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Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

The olympian skier Picabo Stre...

The olympian skier Picabo Street now works in the Intensive Care Unit at a hospital. Unfortunately, the administration told her she can no longer answer the phone, because this is what she said, "Picabo ICU" (Peek-a-boo, I see you)

One line jokes-Old ladies

 The Biology Song 07

Away in a Test Tube
(Melody: "Away in a Manger")
Away in a test tube
My plague cultures grow
On nutrient agar
Mankind's greatest foe
It's easy to grow them
If one does it right
At thirty-five Celsius
All day and all night
Once they are ready
You can let them go
To sicken the masses
With pus-filled buboes.

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?

The Perfect Girl

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married.
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.
"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

The blind salesman....

A guy goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. He doesn't know which one to get, so he just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. He says, "Excuse me, Sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Sir, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." The guy didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20.00."

The guy says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the guy farts. At first he is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was him. Being blind, the salesman wouldn't know that he was the only other person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

The guy says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes sir, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."