Popular jokes (19426 to 19440)

Father: Son, I see you have ba...

Father: Son, I see you have bad grades. Didn't I tell you I'd give you a bicycle if you passed your exams? What have you been doing? Son: Learning to ride a bike.

“My math class starte

“My math class started working on 2D shapes, but I lost interest. It was just too plane.”

Sunburn

He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

Mr. Dewey was briefing his cli

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did.
The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

If I was trapped 69 days in a ...

If I was trapped 69 days in a hole, I would mine. It's a bit too Chile down there.

He's On Vacay

Just helped my neighbor throw a rolled up carpet in the dumpster...
Her boyfriend would have helped but he is out of town.

A man took his wife to a Broad

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead, all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage. Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there. When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.
He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.
"Miss it?" she said, "You were starring in it!"

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun does not mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun does not take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun does not ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun does not mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman...
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

Yo mama so fat the only reason

Yo mama so fat the only reason she took algebra in high school was because she heard there was gonna be some pi.

A guy was walking beside a pon...

A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "Didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!"
The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don't have time for a girlfriend,........but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!"

A man has been undergoing medi

A man has been undergoing medical treatment, and meets with his doctor to review some tests.
Doctor: I'm sorry, but I have bad news. Your condition is now incurable, and you have only 6 months to live. I recommend you get your affairs in order.
Man: That's terrible! Isn't there anything you can do? Surely there's some treatment!
Doctor: No, we've been using the best available medicines, and they aren't working.
Man: I'll try anything...what about experimental treatments?
Doctor: There aren't any for your disease, I'm afraid.
Man, desperate: Maybe alternate medicine?
Doctor, impatient: Well, I don't believe in that stuff, but if you insist...you can go to the spa up the road everyday and get a mud bath.
Man: Really? That will help?
Doctor: No, but it will get you used to dirt.

You An Internet Addict?

You Might Be An Internet Addict If...

1. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
   
2. Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
   
3. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
   
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
   
5. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
   
6. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
   
7. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
   
8. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
   
9. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
   
10. When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
    
11. Your dog has its own home page.
    
12. You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
    
13. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
    
14. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
    
15. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
    
16. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
    
17. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months
    
18. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
    
19. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.
    
20. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
    
21. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
    
22. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
    
23. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
    
24. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
    
25. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
    
26. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
    
27. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
    

Those with fractures are ro

Those with fractures are a risk to cracks.

In a grocery store a cashier h

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?"
Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied, "One."

“When a wasp started

“When a wasp started to come after me, I made a beeline for the exit.”