Popular jokes (19411 to 19425)

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'' Of course, child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?
''I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Prosecutor: I'll ask you one

Prosecutor: I'll ask you one last time, did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No sir, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes sir, I do. And I know they're a lot better than the penalty for murder.

A Dog's Life

I don't know why most people think a dog's life is so easy.
Every time I come home from work, I ask my dog how his day went.
He always says, "Rough!"

Lightbulb Joke Collection 92

Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. "I'm not changing a thing"
Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?
Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Proofreaders aren't supposed to change lightbulbs. They should just query them.
Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.
Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right?
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away without checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it was all done with the lightbulb's best interests at heart.
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it's been thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.
Note: Several of the jokes below relate to Ivy league schools. No offense was meant by them.
Q: How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--Hanover doesn't have electricity!
Note: Dartmouth is way out in the middle of nowhere in New Hampshire.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent ...

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

Puns should be banned in  scho...

Puns should be banned in  schools: they're a dolt humour.

The $5,000,000 question....

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $5,000,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the easier part first."

The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation . . .

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

When you open a can of whoop-a...

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

Airline Acronyms
\

Airline Acronyms
Alitalia: Airplane Landed In Tokyo And Luggage In Atlanta
American: Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps and Nausea
Delta: Don’t Ever Leave The Airport
El Al: Every Landing Always Late
Olympic: Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash
Sabena: Such A Bad Experience – Never Again
TWA: That Was Awful

Adult jokes-Raising the mast

ATTORNEY: Do you know if you...

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

How Much Money Do You Have?

Teacher: Suppose you have $10 and you asked your brother for $5. How much would you have then?
Student: $10.
Teacher: Why?
Student: My brother won't give me any money.

Father: Son, I see you have ba...

Father: Son, I see you have bad grades. Didn't I tell you I'd give you a bicycle if you passed your exams? What have you been doing? Son: Learning to ride a bike.

“My math class starte

“My math class started working on 2D shapes, but I lost interest. It was just too plane.”

Sunburn

He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."