Popular jokes (19501 to 19515)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Would you walk into an unsuppo
Would you walk into an unsupported building? For most people, it's a matter of truss.A Polish man moved to the USA ...
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It made of concrete."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "No, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof.
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."
Phone Line
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines."
Leguminous pl
Leguminous plants have a reputation for bean stalkers. In fact they caught a nut outside the hospital, a real crazy lentil patient, whom they nabbed watching a chick pea in the can (they knew it was a guy because of his finely trimmed pistachio). He wanted to mac a dame, especially one from macadamia. They threatened to soup his ass, but he said ‘Legu me, almond innocent fellow. It's not my fault, I'm an old clover of hers, and she pushed me over the veg!' She kicked his peanuts and said ‘Don't let me cashew in here again – it'll be a long time before alfafa that again' and when he went to the bathroom the next day his pea was split . And he had next to nodules.The olympian skier Picabo Stre...
The olympian skier Picabo Street now works in the Intensive Care Unit at a hospital. Unfortunately, the administration told her she can no longer answer the phone, because this is what she said, "Picabo ICU" (Peek-a-boo, I see you)Swampy Frogs #jokes #humor
A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.Haiku
Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. Everything is gone; Your life's work has been destroyed. Squeeze trigger (yes/no)? I'm sorry, there's -- um -- insufficient -- what's-it-called? The term eludes me. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Seeing my great fault Through darkening blue windows I begin again. The code was willing, It considered your request, But the chips were weak. Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? A file of that size It must be very useful. But now it is gone. Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers. Server's poor response Not quick enough for browser. Timed out, plum blossom. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. Login incorrect. Only perfect spellers may enter this system. This site has been moved. We'd tell you where, but then we'd have to delete you. Wind catches lily scatt'ring petals to the wind: segmentation fault. ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much. First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist. Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. There is a chasm of carbon and silicon the software can't bridge Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that. To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. No keyboard present Hit F1 to continue Zen engineering? Hal, open the file Hal, open the damn file, Hal open the.....please Hal Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. The ten thousand things How long do any persist? Netscape, too, has gone. Rather than a beep or a rude error message, These words: "File not found."Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
The blind salesman....
A guy goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. He doesn't know which one to get, so he just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. He says, "Excuse me, Sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Sir, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." The guy didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20.00."
The guy says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the guy farts. At first he is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was him. Being blind, the salesman wouldn't know that he was the only other person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
The guy says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes sir, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
My socialist friend thinks tha
My socialist friend thinks that hiring non-union labour to build a partition is indie fence-able.Cut lawn without glasses
“When Reverend Spooner tried to cut his lawn without glasses, it was a mind-blowing case of blind mowing.”
A Darkened Theater
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, Jewish girl?"
Funny jokes-To the extent
...she wanted to check how long she could sleep, so she took a ruler to bed
...she thought General Motors was an army man.
...she thought there was a new CD for cats called Meow Mix.
...she studied hard for a blood test.
...she thought she had to buy a token to get into "Soul Train."
...she sold the car so she could buy gas!
...she took Bus No. 33 twice when she missed Bus No. 66
Blessing a Body…?
A newly ordained deacon was asked to hold a graveside service for someone with no family or friends. It was his first official assignment, so he eagerly agreed.
Taking his duties very seriously, the deacon let early the next morning for the cemetery. However, he made several wrong turns and quickly got himself lost. When he finally arrived more than an hour late, the hearse was nowhere to be seen and the two workmen were eating lunch.
The deacon got out of his car, quickly threw on his vestments, and hurried to the open grave. Looking into the pit, he saw that the vault lid was already in place. With a sign, he took out his prayer book and read the burial service.
After he had left, one of the workmen said to the other, “Maybe we should have told him he just blessed a septic tank.â€
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
Prison guard job
“He turned down a prison guard job to become a prize fighter. Later he moaned, 'I could have been a con tender.'”
