Popular jokes (20866 to 20880)

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My risqué Ph.D philosophy the

My risqué Ph.D philosophy thesis, ‘The Metaphysics of Raw Sewage', was received with in crud duality.

#joke #short

Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!

Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

The loving wife...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

#joke #doctor #food #breakfast #lunch #dinner #meal

Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.

Currently 3.38/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (8)

SLIDESHOW #254 - Funny Photo Slideshow

What song does Tarzan always s...

What song does Tarzan always sing at Christmas?

Jungle Bells.
Graham Jack, Loanhead

If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@edinburgh news.com

The full article contains 36 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.

Page 1 of 1

#joke #short #christmas

Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day

Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Answering Machine Message 137

Hi, you've reached Meredith's room. I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, but my waveform has temporarily collapsed, so leave a message, and I'll call you when I've pulled myself together.

#joke #short

Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.

Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Redneck Etiquette

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

#joke #monday #animal #dog #deer #fruit #food #drinks #wine #beer #wedding #bride #redneck

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.

Currently 4.17/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (6)

Hell is on strike. The workers

Hell is on strike. The workers are demon strating.

#joke #short

Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!

Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (11)

“A tennis exponent al...

“A tennis exponent always has a gut feeling beforehand that he will beat his opponent.”

#joke #short #sport #tennis

Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.

Currently 4.82/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (11)

A man and his wife are awoken ...

A man and his wife are awoken at 3am by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a stranger asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No I didn't Ã¢Â€Â“ it's three in the morning"

"Well you've got a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

The man returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes please," comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?"

"Over here on the swing."

Neil Sutton, Corstorphine

If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@edinburghnews. com

The full article contains 188 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.

Page 1 of 1

#joke

Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day

Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (3)

Where are the monkeys?

The young lady strolled thru the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, "Where are all of the monkeys ?"

"They're all back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right in the midst of the mating season."

"I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I offered them some of these peanuts ?"

Smiling the keeper responding, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know Miss. Would *YOU*?"

#joke #animal #monkey #food #peanuts

Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.

Currently 4.38/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (8)

Wife 1.0

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Boys' Night 2.5 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever they are selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please?! Thanks, Joe

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under 'Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.' I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\\APOLOGISE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the ESC key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck.

Tech Support Matt Smith

#joke #food #chocolate #sport #football

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.

Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Knock Knock Christmas

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Wenceslas
Wenceslas who ?
Wenceslas train home ?
Christmas Elf

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Snow
Snow who ?
Snow business like show business !
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Wayne
Wayne who ?
Wayne in a manger... !
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Donut
Donut who ?
Donut open till Christmas !
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Oakham
Oakham who ?
Oakham all ye faithfull... !
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Avery
Avery who ?
Avery merry Christmas !
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Holly
Holly who ?
Holly-days are here again !
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Rudolph
Rudolph who ?
Money is the Rudolph of all evil !
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Igloo
Igloo who ?
Igloo Suzie like I knew Suzie... !
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Mary
Mary who ?
Mary Christmas !

#joke #christmas

Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.

Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

The Vow of Celebracy

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.
After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.
The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.
"The R! They left out the R!"
"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.
After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

#joke

Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.

Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (4)

There was a man driving a pick...

There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck.

Some time went by, and the case got to court.

The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"

The man replied, "Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'" "I said, I never felt better in my life."

#joke #animal #dog

Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day

Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (6)

Name The States

Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it a practice to visit the classes from time to time. One day he walked into Miss Sandy Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History. Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names. Miss Sandy Smith came up with four more.

Not impressed, Mr Jones told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yeah, but in those days there were only 13!"

#joke

Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.

Currently 3.25/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (4)

During training exercises, the

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddyback road encountered another car stuck in the mud with ared faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" askedthe lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him thekeys, "*Yours* is."

#joke #short #sport #exercise

Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day

Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

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