Popular jokes (20911 to 20925)

What's the most frustrat

What's the most frustrating thing for a dog in a car?

In Strict Confidence

"Did you tell her that what you said was in strict confidence?"
"No, I didn't want her to think it was important enough to repeat."

Mathematical Sex

Wher...

Mathematical Sex

Wherein it is related how that Polygon of Womanly Virtue, your Polly Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that Notorious Villain Curly Pi, and factored (oh, horror).

Once upon a time ( 1/T ), Pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns closed in from all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidian space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, was she still convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once.

Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was bent on no good. "Arcsinh," she gasped.

"Ho, ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you have. I can see your angles have a lot of secs."

"Oh, sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."

"Calm yourself, My Dear," said our Suave Operator. "Your fears are purely imaginary."

"I, I," she thought, "perhaps he's not normal but homologous."

"What order are you?" the Brute demanded.

"Seventeen," replied Polly.

Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on."

"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly. "I'm absolutely convergent."

"Come, come," said Curly, "Let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit."

"Never," gasped Polly.

"Abscissa," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was now her only hope. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's radius squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed rungecutta on her. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly went on operating until he had satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But is was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, she went to the L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.

The moral of our sad story is this:
'If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom...'

When the action star attacked

When the action star attacked the villains in their Astro, there was a lot of van dammage.

The Lords Prayer

A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.

"And lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen".

A businessman on his deathbed

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you willhave my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "What do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."

Etch-A-Sketch

Memo:To all employees
Subject:Increased productivity

Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support.(See below)

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems

2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.

3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support :

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny littlelines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

A farmer has 200 hens, but no ...

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot.

WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese!

By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught-worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob-stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

“The librarian didn'

“The librarian didn't know what to do with the book about Tesla's love of electricity, so he filed it under 'Current Affairs.'”

A politician was walking home ...

A politician was walking home from the county courthouse the evening of Election Day when he came upon a young boy sitting on the curb, bawling his eyes out.
"Why are you crying?" the politician asked.
"My dad died," the boy replied.
"That's terrible, when did it happen?"
"Five years ago," the boy said.
"Five years ago? And you are still this upset?"
"It's not that," the boy said. "It's just that my dad voted today, but he didn't come to see me."

Baba sent his brother a birthd

Baba sent his brother a birthday cake, air mail. He wanted him to get it while the candles were still burning.

All the proof she needs?

A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked: 'Will you buy booze?'

The bum said: 'No'

The man asked 'Will you gamble it away?'

The bum said: 'No.'

Then the man asked: 'Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?'

A blonde came home from school...

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, "I
can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do
you think it is because I am a blonde?" Her mother replied, "Of
couse it is, dear."
The next day, the blonde said, "I can say the alphabet higher
then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a
blonde?"
Her mother replied, "Of course it is dear!"
The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked
her mother, "I have bigger breasts then all the kids in my
class, do you think its because I am a blonde?"
Her mother replied, "No dear, I'm sorry, I think it is because
you are eighteen years old."

Twelve places you won\

Twelve places you won't find a Facebook logo on the window:
1) The city morgue
2) A gynecologist
3) A proctologist
4) A urologist
5) A tow truck company
6) The coliseum in 50 A.D.
7) A self esteem weekly group meeting.
8) A collection agency
9) A marriage counselor
10) A funeral home
11) Alcoholics Anonymous
12) The IRS

 Scary Collection 16

A Halloween joke
Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties?
Because there is lots of school spirit!

A demon joke
What do foreign devils speak?
Devil Dutch!

A ghost joke
What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres?
Surgical spirits!

A skeleton joke
What happened when the skeletons rode pogo sticks?
They had a rattling good time!

A skeleton joke
What do you call a skeleton who presses the door bell?
A dead ringer!

A werewolf joke
What happened when the wolf fell in the washing machine?
He became a wash and werewolf!

A witch joke
What does a witch get if she is a poor traveller?
Broom sick!