Popular jokes (21091 to 21105)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A Long Second Act
A couple of guys were discussing the latest play showing in the theater.
"I saw the first act, but not the second."
"Why not?"
"I couldn't wait that long. It said on the program that the second act was two years later."
Teacher: If you found a bill w...
Teacher: If you found a bill worth a hundred, would you keep it? Pupil: No, sir. Teacher: Good, what would you do with it? Pupil: Sir, IÂ’ll spend it.These 2 guys decide that they ...
These 2 guys decide that they are going to take a fishing vacation together. They agree that they would go deep-sea fishing in Southern Florida.They get there and get all settled in, then the next morning they get up early and head for the boat. On the way to the boat, they see this guy sitting alone fishing off of a pier. They go out for 8 hours, and when they come back they see the same guy still fishing at the same spot.
The next morning on the way to the boat, they see the same guy at the same spot fishing. Again, they go out for 8 hours and when the get back they see the same guy at the same spot still fishing.
Same thing happens the next day. When they get back to the hotel after their third and last day of fishing, they decide that since they don't have to get up in the morning, they would go to a local bar.
When the get to the bar, they see the same guy from the pier sitting at the bar by himself drinking a beer. Well, they decide that they are going to sit by this guy. They sit there, and each has a beer. Then one guy asks him "Are you here on a fishing vacation too? We see you every morning at the pier."
The guy replies "No, I'm here on my honeymoon."
One guy says "Honeymoon!? Don't you think you should be with your bride making love instead of here drinking?"
They guy replies "No, she's got gonorrhea!"
One guy says "Well, you could at least be alone with her, cuddling or SOMETHING!"
The guy says "No, she's got diarrhea too!"
One guy then says "Man, have you even kissed her yet?"
He says "No, she's got pyorrhea too!"
One guy then says "Gonorrhea, diarrhea, pyorrhea! Man, if don't mind me asking, why on earth did you marry her?"
The guy says "Well, she's got worms too, and you know how I love to fish!"
“Once the pilot start
“Once the pilot started lying about his flying, he went into a tale spin.”
Drinking again...
A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 a.m. By then, he is extremely drunk.
When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.
Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke, carving up his rear end terribly. But he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and, sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was lying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh!" she replied. "You were plastered last night, and you know it! Where'd you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Q: Did you hear about the Budd...
Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal?A: His goal: transcend dental medication.
Maine Crazy Law
Augusta
To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.
Portland
Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.
Angry Nuns Take On a Vampire
Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!"
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Hey! You! Buzz off!"
I got into a boring conversati
I got into a boring conversation with a vulture. Man they tend to carrion. This one wouldn't shut up about the deadly car cass he got into. The whole time I was just thinking ‘Oh. mag. got.‘Aries Spears: Not a Millionaire
Im at a very frustrating point in my career because Im not a millionaire. Like, people assume because youre in movies or TV, youre rich. Im not rich, but Im far from broke. Im what you call a thousandaire.Answering Machine Message 138
Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name...
As a graphic designer on socia
As a graphic designer on social media, I'm eager to share my GIFs with the world.Stock market report...
Helium was up, feathers were down.Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market
