Popular jokes (21196 to 21210)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Oh, the Irony!
Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Monthly Overall Work Evaluation
Name: _____________________Date: _______________
___________________
KNOWLEDGE:
__ Really knows what he's doing.
__ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
__ Only half a brain and is dangerous.
__ His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.
___________________
ACCURACY:
__ Does excellent work is not preoccupied.
__ Pretty good accuracy with large numbers.
__ Must take off shoes to count above ten.
__ What's a number?
___________________
ATTITUDE:
__ Extremely co-operative.
__ Brown noser in good standing.
__ Often annoys co-workers and fights.
__ Doesn't care, never did, never will.
___________________
RELIABILE:
__ Works so hard he gets extra days off.
__ Very dependable.
__ Rely on his being first one out the door.
__ Absolutely totally worthless.
___________________
APPEARANCE:
__ Extremely neat and clean.
__ Looks great on his day off.
__ Flies take him over fresh manure.
__ Dirt, filthy, smelly, and ugly.
___________________
PERFORMANCE:
__ Works hard if money is involved.
__ Does great work--at evaluation time.
__ Works well after ten cups of coffee.
__ Couldn't do less if he were in a coma.
___________________
LEADERSHIP:
__ Carries chainsaw and gets good results.
__ Macho attitude. Commands total disgust.
__ One time some listened to him whine.
__ Unable to lead even the most ignorant.
___________________
I understand that I have been counseled and understand
my rights under the privacy act of 1974. I further
acknowledge that I am as stupid as a football bat,
and I will make some attempt to correct my deficiencies.
_______________________________________
Employee signature
I can not tell a lie...
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
Really funny jokes-Hello
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."
“When applicant numbe
“When applicant numbers to follow optometry were low, the School authorities decided to re-advertise, to dilate the pupils!”
The reason newborn babies cry ...
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.Today is Hallowe’en! I d...
Today is Hallowe’en! I don’t have a scare in the world.Blonde Jokes
what do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?you pull the pin and throw it back
how does a blonde kill a fish?
she drowns it
how does a blonde kill a worm?
she burys it
how does a blonde kill a bird?
she throws it of a cliff
how do you kill a blonde?
you put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool/you put a condom on top of a flag pole
Kids & Canoeing
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?"
"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."
Police Brutality Around The World
Everyone knows Canadian Brutality is second to none
Answering Machine Message 114
Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah that's it.
Criminal Steals Lumber
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
