Popular jokes (21271 to 21285)

In a long line of frustr...

In a long line of frustrated people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

In shock & surprise, the man in front quickly turned around and snarled, "Just what the hell do you think youÂ’re doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a massage therapist and I could see how frustrated and tense youÂ’ve become, so I just had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

The guy replies, "That's the most ridiculous & stupidest thing I've ever heard!". "I work for the TAX office. Do you see me screwing the person in front of me?"

 Ultra Dumb People 02

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

 Good To Be French

Top reasons why it's great to be French

1. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
   
2. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
   
3. If there's a war you can surrender really early
   
4. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
   
5. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
   
6. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
   
7. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
   
8. People think you're a great lover even when you're not
   

A man is like a fine wine....

He starts out raw as grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.

Do You Drink?

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No

Man: Where's your f*cking Ferrari then?

Cannibal jokes are face eatiou

Cannibal jokes are face eatious.

Clocks in Heaven

A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and says, "Welcome. Come walk with me and I'll show you where you'll be staying."As they're walking along the path he notices clocks on the Golden Fence of Heaven. He asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?"St. Peter replies, "They’re clocks for every person in the world. They click once for each time you lie."By the time they reach where the man is staying, he asks out of curiosity, "I didn't see any politicians’ clocks. Where are they kept?"St. Peter calmly replies, "People here use them as fans."- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus

“Arguing with the wai

“Arguing with the waiter that battery power is superior to fossil fuels made for a highly charged environment.”

Bar... Duckman

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you, sir?"

The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."

blondes and computer

How do you know that a blonde was using the computer?

there is white out on the screen

How do you know that another blonde was using that computer?

there is writing over the white out

How do you know that a third blonde was using the computer?

the joystick is wet

There was this limo driver who

There was this limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer...
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

Q: Why is Cinderella still a v

Q: Why is Cinderella still a virgin?
A: Because she runs away from all the balls.

A Baptist, a Catholic, and a M

A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are in the maternity ward. The Baptist says, “One more son and I have a basketball team.” The Catholic says, “That’s nothing, one more kid and I have a baseball team.” The Mormon guy says, “That’s nothing, one more wife and I have a golf course.”

For months the archaeologists ...

For months the archaeologists had been tolling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from the faint traces of a Lost City. Their excitement mounted as the place`s extraordinary purpose became evident. Broad, winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow, perfectly circular holes every few hundred yards. It had to be .... a golf course! Any doubt was dispelled by the discovery of stone panels depicting human figures using primitive prototypes of irons or putters.

Next step was to interrogate local Indian tribesmen about traditions associated with the prehistoric golf club. And yes, the tribes did have legends of Old Ones who followed a daily ritual with the clubs and balls, until routed by tragedy. Watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the interpreter, a Professor murmured wistfully. "If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it vanish for centuries before rediscovery."

The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query. The elder, surprised, made a sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied tersely. "Simple," was the translation, "they couldn`t afford the green fees."

Once upon a time, in a nice li

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little bunny and a blind little snake.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly someone in upper management."