Popular jokes (21481 to 21495)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Top 10 things MEN would do if...
Top 10 things MEN would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do a split.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
1. Finally find that damned G spot!
Phil had just joined a club af...
Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time).They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up.
Phil, confused about this, asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out?"
His friend said, "well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all, and if you want to tell a joke, you just call out a number."
Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded, and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter, and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after.
"Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked.
His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before."
Marriage counselor
Husband to counselor: We were very happy for 22 years.Counselor: What happened?
Husband: We got married.
Counselor, turning to wife: Do you agree with your husband's assessment of your marriage?
Wife: Yes, the only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
Knock Knock Collection 137
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Odysseus!
Odysseus who?
Odysseus the last straw!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ogre!
Ogre who?
Ogre take a flying leap!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ohio!
Ohio who?
Ohio Silver!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ohio!
Ohio who?
Ohio feeling!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Okra!
Okra who?
Okra Winfrey!
New Mercedes
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Business one-liners 12
Any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used.
Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.
The fussy customer
"I want to have a cake made right now!" the man exclaims.
"Well, I'm sorry," replies Peter. "But I was just closing shop. My staff has left, all my machines have been turned off. I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow."
The man insisted, "I cannot wait till tomorrow. It's absolutely essential that this cake be made right now!"
Now, Peter hated to turn a customer back, so he says, "Let me see what I can do." He goes inside and turns all his machinery back on. He then comes back to the counter and ties on his apron. "Okay, what do you want?"
The man takes out a sketch from his pocket and shows it to Peter. There is a nicely drawn image of a cake." It has to look just like this," says the man. "Exactly one foot wide, eight inches long, and six inches tall. White frosting, light blue icing, and a green cursive "R" in the middle. Just like this."
Somewhat taken aback, Peter ponders the sketch for a few moments and replies. "I think I can do that. I will have it ready in about an hour."
"An hour!" exclaims the man. "That's will be a problem. I need this in 30 minutes."
"30 minutes?" responds Peter. "I'm not sure I can do that. I suppose I might be able to get it done that fast if I used some pre-made dough. The taste will not be as good though..."
The man replies while checking his watch frantically "I don't care. Just get it done."
So Peter goes back and makes the cake. He works harder and faster than he ever done before, and manages to produce the cake in just about half an hour. He presents it to the man fresh out of the oven. "Will this be adequate?" he asks.
The man takes a measuring tape from his pocket. He checks the length, width, and height very carefully. He then compares it to the sketch. Suddenly, a look of horror comes across his face. "Oh no!" he exclaims. "The 'R' is the wrong shade of green! It has to be the same shade as the sketch. Oh, what will I do now?"
"Relax," says Peter. "If the shade really is a problem I think I can re-ice it. It may take a few more minutes."
"You think you can?" asks the man anxiously. "Well then, please do it fast!"
So the baker quickly takes the cake back and puts on a new "R". A few moments later, he brings it back to man. "There you are. Is this what you wanted?" he asks.
Once again the man examines the cake, checking every detail. He compares the shades of green, and this time decides they're all right. "Okay" says the man quickly, "this is good. Can I pay you now."
"Of course," says Peter, quickly readying the cash register. "The boxes we have available are all over here. You can take your pick."
"Oh no, that won't be required," answers the man. "I'll eat it here."
The little camel went to his m
The little camel went to his mother and asked, "Mother, why do we camels have such big eyes?"She looked on him lovingly and replied, "You see, my son, when we are walking in the dessert and the wind starts to blowing and there's sand everywhere, we need these big eyes to keep an eye on one another so that we don't get lost."
"Oh!" he said. "And why do we have such huge feet?"
"Well," she said, "they allow us to walk easily in the dessert sands and help us avoid sinking into the dunes."
"Wow," he said, "great equipment. What the heck is this stuff on our backs for?"
"You see," his mother informed, "we can walk for days, even weeks without food or water, so we use it to store fat during those times. But why do you ask me all these obvious questions?"
"Well, mother," said the young camel, "I was just wondering, if we've got all of this great stuff, what are we doing in the zoo?"
“If you are too busy
“If you are too busy to fix a flat tire, you need to find some spare time.”
The most credulous people are
The most credulous people are from La Paz, aka the Believians.Good jokes-Questionable morals
In a party, Shaw asked a dazzling lady:
'Madam, I'm quite enchanted by your beauty. Would you be willing to spend one night with me if I offered one million dollars?'
After some initial hesitation the lady admitted that she couldn't resist the offer.
Then Shaw asked, 'How about one hundred dollar'?
The lady got very upset. 'What do you think about me?', she yelled. 'Do I look like as someone with so questionable morals?'
'Lady,' Mr. Shaw answered, 'I think, we have agreed upon that, and the only thing to clarify now is the price.'
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched.
He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."
The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled... "SUPPLIES!!"
sex
you mamma's like a gas pump you got to pay before you pumpEconomy jokes-Harvest crunch
Tax's For The Dead
A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend.
In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so theyâll have something to pay tax's over there."
They all agreed that this was appropriate.
The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket and walked away in tears.
The car salesman did the same.
The lawyer looked around and seeing no one was near the coffin, he took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
