Popular jokes (21676 to 21690)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
You Looked A Lot Like My Wife
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
A dying mans wish...
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.
The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.
By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.
No Matzah for You!
It was Passover and two Jewish attorneys, Saul and David, who worked downtown met at a food court to have lunch. Saul and David proceeded to produce matzah sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
One of the waiters in the food court marched over and told them, 'You can't eat your own food in here!'
Saul and David looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged matzah sandwiches.
Jake is struggling through a b
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases, and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says."Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" ...and he shows him a time zone display, not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding."
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, "and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor.
"But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far," says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready!"
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not..."
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" as the stranger pulls out his checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in six months.
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
Leather Dresses
didn't know this, but it makes sense!!!Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak at the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new golf bag.
It was a hard call
Three men, for awful crimes, are sentenced to 25 years in solitary confinement. They are supplied with only food and drink.
Before they go in, they get to choose one thing, in any amount, to take in with them for the 25-year duration.
The first prisoner chooses an endless supply of the finest wine. “Might as well pass the time drunk.” He said.
The second prisoner asked to be locked with his wife. “Might as well have her lovely company,” said he, and the loving wife agreed.
The third prisoner asked for an endless supply of cigarettes. “It’s the only thing that will calm me down all these years.”
They are locked inside, each with his wish.
25 years pass…
It is a day of celebration, and all gather to see what was the fate of the three imprisoned men.
They open the first prisoner’s door, and immediately hundreds of wine bottles come crashing out. He was in a corner wasted and hardly alive.
Then they open the second prisoner’s door, and a whole family steps out – babies, children and some teenagers, blinking in the new light of the world outside their cell.
Then they open the third prisoner’s door, and nothing comes out but unopened packs of cigarettes. The prisoner crawls slowly through the door, holding a single, crushed cigarette in his shaking hand.“Does anyone,” he asks with a broken voice, “have a light?”
Answering Machine Message 188
I just got a car phone. I'm not here at the moment. Leave me a message and I'll call you when I'm out.
The Mule, The Farmer, and The Mother-In-Law #joke #humor
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Five year old Becky answered t...
Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!"
Bridal Registry
My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, “I think she's too young to get married.”“Why do you say that?” I asked.
“Because,” she said, “they registered for Nintendo games.”
Scary Collection 60
A witch joke
What do you get if you cross a witches cat with Father Christmas?
Santa Claws!
A witch joke
What do you call it when a witches cat falls off a broomstick?
A catastrophe!
A witch joke
Why are black cats such good singers?
They're very mewsical!
A wizard joke
Who did the wizard marry?
His ghoul-friend!
A wizard joke
Why did the wizard where red, white and blue braces?
To keep his trousers up!
A witch joke
Why is a witches face like a million dollars?
It's all green and wrinkly!
A witch joke
How do you make a witch itch?
Take away the "w"!
Trevor's New Year's Eve part
Trevor's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving. During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen. He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face."You know," he confided to Trevor, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive."
He continued, "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out."
Three couples are are at the l...
Three couples are are at the local horse races and the men are wondering what number horse to bet on. While thinking about what to do, one man suggests that they all go to the restroom and measure the size of their dicks, add the sizes together, and that would be the number of the horse they would bet on.Deciding that this was an innovative idea, they went off to the men's restroom. Inside, the first man says "Mine is 6 inches", the second man says "Mine is 4 inches, so that totals 10", and the third guy says "Mine is 2 inches, so that brings the total to 12".
So they exit the restroom and put all their money on horse number 12. Sure enough, horse number 12 strides in front of all the rest to the finish line. So off they went to collect their winnings. Then came the problem of how they were going to split the money.
While thinking, the first man says, "Mine was 6 inches so I should get 60%". Thinking along the same line, the second man says "Mine was 4 inches so I should get 40%". Now the third guy thinks about this for a while and finally says, "I should get it all".
The other two look at each other and asked "Why?", to which the third man looks at the first man and says, "If I had not carried around a stiff erection all this afternoon looking up your wife's skirt every time she sat down, it would only have been 1 inch, in which case you would have bet on number 11 and lost everything".
