Popular jokes (21901 to 21915)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Bear Remover
Contributed by Jack McClung
A man in rural Alaska wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up Carter's North Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. Tim's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit
bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks...
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. "When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go.
"The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
Living with the Wolf Man
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
An Irishman in a wheel chair e...
An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. He then looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"The waitress nodded, "Yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said, "Give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang, how's about gettin' me a cold glass of RC!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"
The waitress nodded again, so the Redneck said, "Give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too."
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."
The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."
The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Hey, man, don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability."
Husband and wife had a bitter ...
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
Hilarious jokes-Birthday party
Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back.
Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time.
But the clown hadn't shown up.
After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself.
She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.
She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous.
I have never seen such a thing.
Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
“When the church boug
“When the church bought gas for their annual barbecue, proceeds went from the sacred to the propane.”
A guy wants to become a magici...
A guy wants to become a magician so he goes out and buys a magician book. Later he gathers his family around the living room for his first trick.Reading his new book he reaches into a bag and pulls out a hammer and to the amazement of his family hits himself in the head with it. He's unconscious and spends a month in the hospital.
Suddenly a nurse notices his eye lids flicker. She calls the family in and they gather around his bed.
Just then he sits up in bed awake and says..."TA-DA!"
Getting A Promotion
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.
"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
After five years of toil at a ...
After five years of toil at a Wall Street law firm, an associate was burning the midnight oil at his office.Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and a tower of smoke burst from the floor. Satan stepped out of the smoke, and addressed the lawyer. "I understand you'd give absolutely anything to make partner," said the devil, "So I've come here to make you an offer. I'll make you a partner, but in return I will take the souls of your wife, your parents, your children, your grandchildren, and all of your friends."
The lawyer looked strangely puzzled, and thought hard for several minutes. Finally, he turned to Satan and asked, "What's the catch?"
I was actually thinking about
I was actually thinking about getting penal enlargement surgery -- thought I'd share that with everybody. But the surgery is dangerous, and it's really expensive.But I found this great, safe alternative to penal enlargement surgery: the metric system.
An Amazing Talking Dog
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
Genuine Complaint to Edinburgh Police
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering serviceIf someone asks ‘
If someone asks ‘What's ursine?' Just point to the bearometer.“Married hang man wer...
“Married hang man were the best at their job, they knew how to tie the knot.”
