Popular jokes (22096 to 22110)

A game of baseball

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

Look in the wardrobe

Murphy gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from upstairs. He rushes up and finds his wife naked on the bed, panting and sweating.

"What's up?"

"I'm having a heart attack." she gasps.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone but his 4-year-old son tugs his arm and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick is hiding in your wardrobe."

So Murphy slams down the phone, rushes back upstairs and opens the wardrobe door. Sure enough his brother Mick is hiding inside stark bolluck naked.

"You bastard!" shouts Murphy "There's my wife having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by ¤Çúrtí§¤

Why should you just defecate i

Why should you just defecate in your hands if you really have to go?

“What do cupcakes use

“What do cupcakes use in the summer time? A sprinkler.”

Used to being the center of at

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move.
"It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

Knock Knock Collection 079

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Hacienda!

Hacienda who?

Hacienda the story!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Hagar!

Hagar who?

Hagar, you with the stars in your eyes....!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Haifa!

Haifa who?

Haifa cake is better than none!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Hair!

Hair who?

Hair today, gone tomorrow!


Knock Knock

Who's there?

Haiti!

Haiti who?

Haiti see a good thing go to waste!

Yo momma so damn heavy that wh...

Yo momma so damn heavy that when she stands on the scales to get weighed it says "TO BE CONTINUED!"

Assortment Of Jokes

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? !
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

“Never ask a podiatri

“Never ask a podiatrist for conversions to metric - he only knows feet.”

I want my baby back ribs

God was talking to Adam one day when Adam begins to lament. God Im lonely, I need a companion? God replies, Adam, I have the perfect person for you, shes beautiful, shes generous, and shell be yours forever Adam, excited about the news begins to thank God over and over.sound great, but then stops and asks God, Wait a minute, how much is she going to cost me? An arm and a leg, God replied jokingly. Thats pretty steep said Adam, What can I get for a rib?

Perfect Tee Shot

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, Whats taking so long? Hit the damn ball!
The guy answers, My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.
Forget it, man, says his partner. Youll never hit her from here.

I regretted my sex change. The

I regretted my sex change. They're making a documentary about it: Scrotal Recall.

Three doctors...

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the Pearly Gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"

"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."

"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.

"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of an HMO."

St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days."

"People always ask me, 'Were y...

"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant."- Ellen Degeneres

A New York Lawyer

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."