Popular jokes (22141 to 22155)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
What I Learned From Noah
Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark...ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Row, Row, Row Your Boat?
A student was asked if he knew what Roe v. Wade was about. He answered that he thought it was the decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross the Delaware.Tennis Balls
One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.
"What do you have in your pocket?" she asked.
"Tennis ball," the man said smiling back.
"Wow," said the blonde looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
What would you like for your birthday....
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Real Church Signs
Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church. If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns. If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again. Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.Steven Wright 21
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!
What do batteries run on?
Are there any questions?
I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
[Later] I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
My Tax Remittance for 2004
Enclosed is my 2005 Form 1040, together with payment. Please take note of the attached article from "USA Today" archives. In the article, you will note that the Pentagon paid $171.50 each for hammers and NASA paid $600.00 each for toilet seats. Please find enclosed in this package four toilet seats (value $2,400.00) and six hammers (value $1,029.00). This is in payment for my total tax due of $3,429.00. Out of a sense of patriotic duty, and to assist in the political purification of our government, I am also enclosing a 15 inch Phillips head screw driver, for which HUD duly recorded and approved a purchase value of $2200, as my contribution to fulfill the Presidential Election Fund option on Form 1040. It has been a pleasure to pay my taxes this year and I look forward to paying them again next year in accordance with officially established government values.Sincerely, Another satisfied American taxpayer.
Last Payment Story
Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those payments!So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."
So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.
Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"
She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" ...and watch the 'spression on yo face.
In the vinyl analysi...
“In the vinyl analysis, plastic waste in the ocean poses a serious threat to marine life.”
“Pre-schoolers are li
“Pre-schoolers are like black holes. They draw in everything around them.”
"Absence makes the heart
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is a much repeated cliche. Generally, cliches have truth in them and that is how they reach that cliche status. This one, however, falls short of eternal human truth and needs revising.I say this only because I notice that people will think fondly of someone they miss only up to a point. What is that point? Invariably it is when the person doing the missing hits the wall and decides there is no good reason for the absence - regardless of the intentions of the one being missed.
So, I submit that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" should be revised to be more consistent with the human experience: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder until I decide you are an evil, selfish, pig who knows less about anything than a blind monkey constantly masturbating in a corner of the zoo, because you hurt my feelings by not giving me any face-time. Jagoff."
