Popular jokes (22156 to 22170)

Steinbeck considered...

“Steinbeck considered writing a novel where Adam Trask became a baker. He was going to call it 'Yeast of Eden.'”

The Santa Claus at the mall wa...

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "OK, What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother," said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you!" smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her?"

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

Evaluating Progress

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes pride in work: Conceited.
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
Well organized: Does too much busywork.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
Zealous attitude: Opinionated.

How to Photograph a New Pup

How to Photograph a New Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No,outside! No, outside!"
17. Clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

At a party, a guy approached a...

At a party, a guy approached a girl and whispered something in her ear.

"You filthy pervert!!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?"

Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch that stole my diary!"

I drink a lot, on Thur...

I drink a lot, on Thursdays.

“Is an anthill caught

“Is an anthill caught in a twister an anticyclone?”

The distressed-looking man had

The distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in rapid succession before the bartender asked him, "You trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?"
"You could say that," the guy replied.
"It usually doesn't work, you know."
"No kidding," the man moaned. "I can't even get my wife anywhere near the water!"

Where Have I Met You?

"I've been racking my brains, but I can't place you,” one man said to another at a gathering. “And you look very much like somebody I have seen a lot—somebody I don't like, but I can't tell you why. Isn't that strange?”
"Nothing strange about it,” the other man said. “You have seen me a lot, and I know why you resent me. For two years I passed the collection plate in your church.”

A few observations on life<

A few observations on life
1. Children. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
3. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
4. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
5. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
6. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
7. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
8. War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.

Try To Grow Chickens

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

 Menu Item Translations

The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate use of English words for various products, and bizarre menu items in restaurants.
Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China
Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong
Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo
French fried ships - Cairo
Garlic Coffee - Europe
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe
Boiled Frogfish - Europe
Sweat from the trolley - Europe
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong
Roasted duck let loose - Poland
Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland
Fried friendship - Nepal
Strawberry crap - Japan
Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam
Toes with butter and jam - Bali
French Creeps - L.A.
Fried fishermen - Japan
Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan
Pepelea's Meat Balls - Romania
Product Names
Clean Finger Nail - Chinese tissues
Kolic - Japanese mineral water
Creap Creamy Powder - Japanese Coffee Creamer
Swine - Chinese chocolates
Libido - Chinese soda
Pocari Sweat - Japanese sport drink
Shocking - Japanese chewing gum
Cat Wetty - Japanese moistened hand towels
Pipi - Yugoslavian orangeade
Polio - Czechoslovakian laundry detergent
Crundy - Japanese gourmet candy
Superglans - Netherlands car wax
I'm Dripper - Japanese instant coffee
Zit - Greek soft drink
Colon Plus - Spanish detergent

77

Q: Why is 77 better than 69?
A: You get eight more.

When the boogie man goes to sl...

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

I was told that I wa...

“I was told that I was allergic to cats, but I have two and I'm feline fine!”