Popular jokes (22606 to 22620)

“A freaking earthquak

“A freaking earthquake happened. I refused to let it shake me.”

Michael Palascak: Buying an SUV

I wanted to buy a car that was really good for the environment but I also wanted to buy an SUV -- so I could see the environment before its destroyed by SUVs.

All my life I've walked

All my life I've walked around wearing one sandal and one boot. To me, this is a feet that has never been matched.

A Swiss man, looking for direc

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

The Dentist

Man goes to see dentist and asks "How much to pull two wisdom teeth?"

Dentist says "$100.00."

Man says, "too much. Can't you do it for less?"

Dentist says "I can do it for $50 if I cut out the novacaine."

Man says, "that's better but still too much. Can't we do it any cheaper?"

Dentist says, "I could let my trainee do it for $20 but she has never pulled a tooth before and it would be quite painful."

Man says, "That's great. Schedule my wife for next Tuesday."

NED: I'll never make a p

NED: I'll never make a pun about sheep incest
ED: C'mon, just lamb poon them a little bit…
NED: There you go again, pressing my muttons!

Good News/Bad News Good News/Bad News
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there."
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."
"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb, it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.
"Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."

#joke

The Pope just finished a tour ...

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.
Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."
The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!"
"Is it the President?" asked the chief.
"No! Even more important!"
"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.
"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

“Why do some people h

“Why do some people hate puns? Because they are laughtose intolerant!”

A man and his wife are sitting...

A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red."

Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside."

She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow."

He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."

A food fight is roll...

“A food fight is roll playing.”

A lawyer defending a man accus...

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense to get his client off the hook. "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few paltry items. His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed soley by his arm."
"Well put," the judge replied with a grin. "Using that same logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. Your client can accompany the arm or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's help, he detatched his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

On the Stand

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

The teacher was telling her 4t

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson.
"I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A"
All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said "apple".
"Very good", said the teacher, "now B".
Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "ball".
This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to "R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.
The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.
Johnny stands up and says: "R...Rat...a big, fat, fuckin' Rat!"

“When I see birds, I

“When I see birds, I always chirrup.”