Popular jokes (22606 to 22620)

Really g...

Really good ways to loose your job:

Grow a cannabis plant on your desk.

Bring a sleeping bag to work for those little afternoon naps.

Start a mexican wave every time someone leaves their desk.

Hide kippers under your boss's desk.

Dirty protest the toilet walls with a bisto solution.

Call the boss to your desk and tell him his work isnÂ’t up to scratch.

A tourist was admiring the nec

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

A student burst into his profe...

A student burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

Short funny jokes-Rebirth

When Satan is constipated, he

When Satan is constipated, he eats Hellman's mustard.

Question And Answer Blond Jokes

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

A: Frosted Flakes.


Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?

A: There's white-out on the screen.


Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?

A: There's writing on the white-out.


Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it.


Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?

A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.


Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A: You can park in the handicap zone.


Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Trip to Alcatraz...

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

Rifle range trouble

A new Army recruit was on the rifle range. He fired 50 shots and completely missed the target with every shot!
His Drill Instructor called him to attention and got in his face. “What's the matter with you?” shouted the DI. “Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?”

“I was a telephone repair man,” replied the recruit, “and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see…”

The man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again and then checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger and blew the end of his finger off!

“Well,” the phone man said, writhing in pain, “the bullets are leaving this end here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!”.

Yo momma is so short, when she

Yo momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, "Go back to work!"

Informing the Wife of Bad Poker News

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, 'So, who's gonna tell his wife?' They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.'
Goldberg goes over to the dead man's apartment and knocks on the door. His wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: 'Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home.
'Tell him to drop dead!' yells the wife.

Corny Pick-up Lines

...

Corny Pick-up Lines

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day long.

Can I borrow 50 cents? I want to call my mum and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man answers, "Yes, do you have the energy?"

Can I have directions to your heart?

Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.

Do you want to see something really swell?

Your hair is perfectly pH balanced.

Do you have 50 cents? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) 'Cause I could see myself in your pants.

I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast.

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

At the office copy machine "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"

Ask: "Do you know what winks and makes love like a tiger?" (No?) Wink.

If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?

Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

Here's fifty cents .... call your housemate and tell her you won't be coming home tonight.

Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us.

I hope you know CPR, cuz you take my breath away!

How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

Do you wash your panties with Windex? Because I can really see myself in them.

You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the bomb.

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

"You admit having broken into ...

"You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered the suspect.

"And what did you steal?"

"A dress, your honor," replied the suspect.

"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"

"Yes, your honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the color."

The runner....

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"

Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there."

Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

Question: If you could live fo

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-- David Dinkins, former New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his being drafted by the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland

Budget Cuts

Reso...

Budget Cuts

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executiveÂ’s wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."