Popular jokes (22621 to 22635)

Through the pitch-black night,...

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: �Change your course 10 degrees east.�

The light signals back: �Change yours, 10 degrees west.�

Angry, the captain sends: �I�m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!�

�I�m a seaman, second class,� comes the reply. �Change your course, sir.�

Now the captain is furious. �I�m a battleship! I�m not changing course!�

There is one last reply. �I�m a lighthouse. Your call.�

Actual newspaper headlines....

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Walking Orders

A graverdigger, walking in the streets of a small town chanced to turn and noticed two doctors walking behind him. He stopped until they passed and then followed on behind them.
"And why this?" asked the doctors.
"I know my place in this procession," he said.

Nick Swardson: Quitting Pot

I used to smoke pot all the time, and then I quit. I dont know if anybodys ever done that, but thats, like, amazing. I totally smoked for a while, and I totally stopped, and my friends were all, like, they couldnt believe it. They were like, What? You quit? Youre done? Really? That sucks. What are you doing? That sucks. Im like, Yeah, it really sucks remembering where I put stuff now.

A mechanic was removing a cyli...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running"

Q. How many programmers does i...

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. That's a hardware issue.

A little old man shuffled slow...

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?
No," he replied, "arthritis".

Good jokes-Questionable morals

Window shopping may be fun, bu

Window shopping may be fun, but shopping for windows is panes taking work.

It's the end of the r

It's the end of the colander. Have funnel on new year's sieve.

When it comes to spreadsheets,...

When it comes to spreadsheets, I pull no punches. I column as I see em.

Two Lost Husbands

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide. The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. 'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

Darth Vader threw a root veget...

Darth Vader threw a root vegetable at his son's car. He said ‘Luke, I yam your four-door!'

Make It Off The Island

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

Wife is the knife which cuts t...

Wife is the knife which cuts the life but there is no life without a wife.