Popular jokes (22636 to 22650)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Really funny jokes-True Believers
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
Herd of cows...
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho," so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
Lethal product
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”
The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”
Camel time
There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.
One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"
The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down.
"It's about 2:00", he says.
The tourist can't believe what he just saw.
He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story,
"The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!"
One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.
He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done.
He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals.
The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air.
Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."
Fun Things To Do In An Elevato...
Fun Things To Do In An Elevator:1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
8. Meow occasionally.
9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Worm Trick
Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.
The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.
Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."
Grandpa said "No, you keep it."
The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.
Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."
Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."
As a concierge at a posh resor
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the skifacilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a longflight came by and asked me where the lift was."Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool,200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the manbehind them spoke up.
"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for theelevator."
Stages of Drunkenness
...
Stages of Drunkenness0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzels are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzels one by one.
5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.
6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.
7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.
8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.
12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
Why do mummies make excellent ...
Why do mummies make excellent spies?Ransacked Blonde
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
“They send me a BLIND policeman.”
A man walks into a bar, ...
A man walks into a bar, holding his pet alligator by his side.
The man puts the alligator up on the bar, turns to the astonished patrons and says, "I'll make you all a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and put the family jewels in his mouth, then close it for one minute. I will then open the alligator's mouth and remove the family jewels unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. Is it a deal?"
The patrons approved.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and put the family jewels in the alligator's mouth.
As the crowd gasped, he then closed the alligator's mouth, waited a minute, then grabbed a beer bottle and waked the alligator on the head as hard as he could. The alligator immediately opened his mouth and the man removed the family jewels unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, applauded, and the first of his free drinks were delivered to him.
A few minutes after, the man stands up again and makes another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the patrons.
All of a sudden, a hand goes up. A drop dead gorgeous young blond says, "I'll give it a go, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
Digging for bait
My sister-in-law and nephew Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my mother-in-law's garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.
“No, honey, he won't do for bait,” his mother said. “He's not an earthworm.”
“He's not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is he from?”
