Popular jokes (2266 to 2280)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
My wife and I went to the Coun...
My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,"That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.
An old man goes to the Wizard ...
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".
In a fight between Batman and ...
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris. Hunting Season
The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. During the service, our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don't get it. Last week many of you said you wouldn't be at church Sunday because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.”
One hunter said, "Well, preacher, it worked. They're all safe.”
A guy gets on a plane and find...
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, " What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde.
"That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
International Bat Appreciation Day Joke
Today is International Bat Appreciation Day! Find a joke about it!
What is a bats favorite TV show?
Love at first bite.
What does a vampire use to bake cakes?
Batter.
What’s printed in the newspapers when a vampire dies?
An obatuary.
What did the bat do when he didn’t know the answer to the teacher‘s question?
He winged it.
How does a bat say hi to her mum?
With a sound wave.
Why do bats live in caves?
Because they rock.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
How do bats do the register at school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
What animals are best at cricket?
Bats.
What do little bats eat?
Alpha-bat soup.
#internationalbatappreciationday
A little girl asked her mom...
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"Her mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked mom but she said the dog was in heat and that should ask you."
Her dad said, "Bring Susie over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Her dad said, "Where's Susie?"
The little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."
Back-Up Sensor
Inventor of the automobile back-up Sensor -
I bet you think it was Ford, maybe GM, how about Chrysler? No, then how about Mercedes Benz?
No, not at all, it was a Chinese farmer!
Most of the newest cars have a Back-Up Sensor that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something. Most people probably think that this valuable feature came out of the minds of great engineers, but it was recently disclosed that the concept was first developed by a Chinese farmer. His invention was simple and effective. It emits a high-pitched squeal when the vehicle backs into something.
Liver and cheese....
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They're speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is the Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says: "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Butt Reduction
Q: What happens if you cut off your right butt cheek? A: You'll be left behind.
Who is stupid?
Two rich men were talking over coffee and croissants at their country club one day and one of them said to the other one, "Hey, I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't think so? Let me show you." And he called his driver over and said, "Here is a 10 dollar bill, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes."
To which he replied, "Yes Sir! Right away!" and rushed off to the showroom. The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."
The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." And he called his driver: "Hey, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." He said, "Yes Sir!! Right away, Sir" and ran home.
"See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."
Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Jim said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is so stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and asked me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes ... Doesn't he know that today is Sunday?? The showroom is closed!"
Ali replied, "You think he is stupid, huh? My boss is so much worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home ... He's got a cellphone, right, he can just call home to check!"
Found on http://punjabi.net/forum/showthread.php?t=3341 , posted on January 5th 2004. by bobby basra
Photo by why kei on Unsplash
Soft Hands
Q. What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails so long and beautiful? A. Nothing, nothing at all.
One day, a blonde went to the...
One day, a blonde went to the doctor with both sides of her face burned. The doctor asked, "What happened?" The blonde said, "Well, I was ironing my husband's shirt until the phone rang. I picked it up and half my face was burnt!" The doctor replied, "What about the other half?" The blonde answered, "They called back."
A bishop, a priest...
A bishop, a priest, and a deacon, were about to be executed for preaching the Gospel in a foreign land. They bring out the bishop first and the guard shots, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the bishop yells, “EARTHQUAKE!” When everyone looks around, the bishop runs off. Next they bring out the priest. They guard shouts, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the priest yells, “TORNADO!” When everyone ducks, the priest runs off. By then, of course, the deacon had it figured out. They bring him out and when the guard shouts, “Ready… aim…,” suddenly the deacon yells, “FIRE!” 
