Popular jokes (22816 to 22830)

Now that we are into renaming ...

Now that we are into renaming things like Mount Diablo, President Obama wants to rename the San Andreas Fault. His suggestion, Bush's Fault.

You know you’re getting old wh...

You know you’re getting old when your best friend tells you he's having an affair and you want to know if it's catered

Exam markers are just employee...

Exam markers are just employees mass grading as professors.

If you drink too much water yo...

If you drink too much water you can insult people. It's not very pee see.

Good jokes-Keep on fighting!

The following conversation took place in the morning drill of the US Army:
Sergeant Thomas: When you are frightened, what do you do?
Private Joe: Keep on fighting!
Sergeant Thomas: You better. And if the enemy shoots off your right ear, what do you do?
Private Joe: Keep on fighting!
Sergeant Thomas: Good. But if the enemy also shoots off your left ear, what then?
Private Joe: Then I can't see.
Sergeant Thomas: Can't see? Where did you get your education, private?
Private Joe: Well sergeant, if both my ears are gone my helmet falls down...over my eyes.

When Ted was putting flowers o...

When Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.

Ted was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed the man again and again. Ted gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?"

"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."

“The testimony at the

“The testimony at the barbershop is mostly hair-say.”

A man and his wife were making

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this without a needing a magnifying glass, come back and see me."

Playoff hockey is a comic r

Playoff hockey is a comic marvel. They should call it the Stan Lee Cup.

Broken Cage

Q: What did the bird say after his cage fell apart?

A: "Cheap, cheap!"

A man took his son to the zoo.

A man took his son to the zoo. They found the monkey cage very entertaining until the father noticed two monkeys in a compromising position which embarrassed him to no end because his son was watching.
He walked up to the keeper and asked if he could stop them. The keeper told him that they are in their natural habitat and could not do anything about it. The father asked the keeper, "If I throw peanuts at them, do you think they would stop?"
The keeper looked at the father in the eye and said, "Would you?"

Skin canoes....

Three men are found in the wilderness by civilized cannibals. The men are led to a gravesite next to the water. The chief says, 'We will kill you as a coward, or we will let you die honarable deaths for your homelands. You choose the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our canoes.'

The first man, a soldier at heart, asks for a handgun. With this, he recites the Pledge and shoots himself. He is carried off. The next man asks for a sword. A warrior at heart, he uses a Japanese katana to commit seppuku as a Japanese man.

The last man asks for a fork.

'A fork? asks the chief?'

But it's his dying wish, so they hand him the fork. He stabs himself repeatedly in the chest, and yells, 'I HOPE YOUR CANOE SINKS!!'

Proof that Sar

Proof that Sarah Palin's child isn't developmentally delayed is that he can do math. In fact, Trig functions.

Our generation never got a bre...

Our generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders. Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.

Animal Pictures

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."