Popular jokes (22831 to 22845)

Sex Life in Years...

Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was absolutely horrified...

"Only twenty years of normal sex life?"

Yet, the Lord was adamant and insisted that Man could have no more than twenty years of normal sex life.

Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.

"But, I don't need twenty years, "protested the monkey.

"Ten years is plenty for me."

Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten years?"

The monkey graciously agreed.

Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion, like the monkey, only wanted ten years.

Again, man spoke up, "can I have the other ten years?"

The lion graciously agreed.

Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years. But, like the others, ten years was more than sufficient. Once again, man pleaded, "can I have the other ten years?"

And so, it all makes perfect sense now... Man has twenty years of normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.

Running red lights...

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

A Little Help

An elderly man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to
reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for a moment, the man crosses the street, walks up behind the little fellow, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

“Ding Dong”

Crouching down to the child's level, the old man smiles and asks, “And now what, my little man?”

To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”

The Train

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both "married to other people," found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Joke of the Day, posted everyday on Getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

A candidate for Congress from

A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington.
"I am a practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting. "I can plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse--in fact, I should like you to tell me one thing about a farm which I can not do."
Then, in the impressive silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"

In the Dim Light

A wife talks to her husband with a sweet voice, “You look great in that dim light. You look just like Brad Pitt.”
Lifting his eyebrows, the husband asks, “And how do you know Brad Pitt?”

Jill: Have you noticed that I'...

Jill: Have you noticed that I've been on a crash diet? Jack: Oh, is that why you look like a wreck?

A guy goes to a girl's house f...

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.

She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.

He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He goes, "Geez... oooh.... I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Hey Love

My wife is incredibly smart.
When I called her from my buddy’s phone she answered, “Hey love!”
She already knew it was me.

The Biology Song 03

ODE TO A CLONE
By John Scalzi
(This originally appeared in America Online's "Howdy" area on March 6th.)
Oh clone, my clone, how can you bear it
To exist knowing you have only one parent?
No zygote you, when haploid cells met
You were produced with a full chromosome set.
And now I can see that you are confused
To discover your genes have arrived slightly used.
To answer your questions is the aim of this poem
You who are like me, my clone, oh my clone.
You were not produced from between sweaty sheets
In fact, you arose from cells scraped off of my cheek.
Your genes gently placed in an egg we provided
And then shocked with a current until they divided.
You sat there a while till it was time to fish
That thing that was you from that petri dish.
(And though it may seem churlish at this time to mention,
we suspect that the dish had post-partum depression).
Oh clone, my clone, don't feel angst or feel grief
Because the genes that you have are not bought but are leased.
You have no mother, but that's no impediment
Indeed, you've bypassed the whole Complex of Oedipus.
To your one parent you can always relate
To do otherwise is a form of self hate.
Who can tell us apart when we answer the phone?
No one at all, my clone, oh my clone.
Think of all the experiences we'll have!
(That is, once they allow you to go from the lab).
I'll take you to places that I've already been
So you can see them once more for the first time again.
Let's go to work, where I think we will find
That we'll get twice as much done in just half the time.
And should we play tennis, our opponents have troubles
As they must play singles, but we shall play doubles.
Oh clone, my clone, I see you are vexed
By ethical issues admittedly complex.
If you are my clone, are you wed to my wife?
And would having two husbands cause marital strife?
Suppose that we clone her? Then what would that be?
Bigamy, polygamy, or polyandry?
Oh, the guilt I would have would go to the bone
If I accidentally slept with your wife, oh my clone.
Perhaps it would be better if we lived all our days
Away from each other -- and go separate ways.
I would stay here and live with my mate
And you would take yours to some other state
Perhaps to Alaska, with Northern Lights blue
To live off the land, in a hut or igloo.
And with a deep sense of pride all my friends would be shown
Many pictures of your house, a Nome clone dome home.
Oh clone, my clone, you impressive feat
The one person born with no help from gametes.
When you have troubles getting yourself to sleep
Do you think on your compatriot, Dolly the sheep?
It's true that we both share our genetic information
But I know that your mind performs its own peregrinations.
In the end I am me, and you are just you alone
You are your own person, my clone, oh my clone.

Smith climbs to the top of Mt.

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute".

Eat with the stars

What a rip-off! Once I ate in a Hollywood restaurant that had a big sign outside' "EAT WITH THE STARS."

Turns out the restaurant was a converted planetarium.

What's the difference between ...

What's the difference between a pigeon and a banker?

Jared Logan: Tried to Compromise

I recently broke up with my girlfriend. We just didnt have anything in common. But when that happens, you have to try to compromise. I tried to compromise with her. I remember one time I was like, Look, if you go with me to my Lord of the Rings fan fiction meet up group, Ill go with you to this ultrasound thing.

A guy wants to become a magici

A guy wants to become a magician so he goes out and buys a magician book. Later he gathers his family around the living room for his first trick. Reading his new book he reaches into a bag and pulls out a hammer and to the amazement of his family hits himself in the head with it. He's unconscious and spends a month in the hospital. Suddenly a nurse notices his eye lids flicker. She calls the family in and they gather around his bed. Just then he sits up in bed awake and says..."TA-DAA"