Popular jokes (22846 to 22860)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A boy was having a lot of diff...
A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!" "Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."
Hilarious jokes-Funny conversation in court
Lawyer: Tell us your brother-in-law's name?
Witness: Walker
Lawyer: What is his first name?
Witness: I am sorry I can't remember.
Lawyer: He's been your brother-in-law for so many years, how is it possible that you can't remember his first name?
Witness: It's just that I am very nervous. (Getting up from the witness chair and pointing to Walker) Toby, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name.
A wise old gentleman retired a...
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
Accountant And Farmer
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over. It's a big flock, so he takes the bet.
The man looks around and answers, "869." The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says, "Okay, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees.
"You are an accountant for the government," says the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
Can you give me a push??
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
A Jewish grandmother giving di...
A Jewish grandmother giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife."You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed"?
Out of the Mouths of Babes...
An old doctor went way out to the boon-docks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said.
"He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!!"
“Bringing home very l
“Bringing home very little net pay is the sign of a good trapeze acrobat.”
Sheng Wang: Better Person
Im trying to be a better person. This year my goal is to blackout less; its a very difficult goal to track. I think Im succeeding, but I might just not remember failing.The Perfect Sneeze...
The Perfect Sneeze...
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the plane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.
The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
My relatives tend to be thin e
My relatives tend to be thin except for my distend cousins.A young couple had been marrie
A young couple had been married for a couple ofmonths, but the man was always after his wife toquit smoking.One afternoon, she lit up after some love making,and he said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "Ireally enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied henever had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, shesaid, "So, what's your excuse?"
