Popular jokes (22846 to 22860)

A group of expectant fathers s

A group of expectant fathers sat nervously in the hall. A nurse beckoned to one of them and said, "Congratulations, you have a son!"
Another man dropped his magazine, jumped up and said, "Hey, what's the idea? I got here two hours before he did!"

A Very Special Cow

Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment?A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!

Beaver

Did you know Lorena Bobbit was related to a very famous person?

He was the kid who played "Beaver Cleaver."

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by yisman and Curtis

Why Ask Why 05

Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

“My dog swallowed my ...

“My dog swallowed my engagement ring. I ended up with a diamond in the ruff.”

Would You Define OCR?

OCR - Optical Character Recognition
A technology that can take written words and convert them back into computer-readable form, provided they're in the right font, using the correct colors sometimes, at the right point size and pitch, dark enough on the paper, and you're prepared to spend several centuries correcting all the 1's that came out as l's, all the O's that came out as 0's, and all the :'s that come out like ;'s.

I don't mean to sound su

I don't mean to sound superficial when I say the Canadian PM has nice hair. Isn't it Trudeau?

“The skeleton was try

“The skeleton was trying tibia little humerus.”

Offer of Help

One summer evening, a 3-year-old came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate your asking."
The child responded, "Well, I appreciate your saying no."

Oh The Internet Is Slow

The Net is Slow

Oh, the network outside is frightful,

But on campus, it's so delightful,

Our packets have nowhere to go,

Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.


It doesn't show signs of stopping,

All our packets, our hosts are dropping;

Bandwidth is turned way down low,

Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.


When we finally connect to a site,

It's time to go back to the dorm;

But if I could stay here all night,

I could submit their Web form.


The network is slowly dying,

And, I fear, we're still denying,

But as long as Sprint is the way to go,

Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

Research Bush

A researcher called G. W. Bush house in Austin.
G. W was sleeping in late and was awaken by the call.
He was half-asleep when he answered the phone.
Researcher: Excuse me, sir. I'm conducting a survey
GW Bush: Questions? No political questions.
Reseacher: Political, sir?
GW Bush: Do you know who you are calling?
Researcher: We call numbers at random, sir. May I ask --
GW Bush: What is this about?
Researcher: We are asking people do they think COKE beats PEPSI.
GW BUSH: I've never tried Pepsi. Is that a new thing?

A guy is walking down a beach ...

A guy is walking down a beach in Saudi Arabia and sees a lamp. He picks it up, rubs it and out pops a Genie.

The genie says, "I will grant you three wishes, but since I know you hate your mother-in-law I will give her twice as much.

The guy thought about it and said, " I wish for $10,000,000.

The genie said, "OK, but I have to give your mother-in-law $20,000,000. Poof, it was done. "What is your second wish?"

"I wish for 50 pounds of the worlds finest gems", says the guy.

"I shall grant your wish but I must give your mother-in-law 100 pounds of the worlds finest gems". Poof, it was done. "And your final wish would be???"

The guy thought about it and replied, "I wish you would beat me half to death".

Forgery is why some...

“Forgery is why some citizens get notices to appear at a courthouse.”

“The leopard tried cr

“The leopard tried creeping up on the tigers using its camouflage but it was spotted.”

Legless Frog

Sidney was a 14-year-old boy with an interest in the sciences. One summer day he started his own investigations. With his 12-year-old sister Sophie in tow, he caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started his experiment with the amphibian, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.

Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped, and Sidney measured the distance. "12 feet...write that down, Sophie," he said.

Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction, Sophie wrote it down.

Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed, and again "Jump, frog!" Sidney reported, "Six feet...write it down."

The next time, Sidney removed the large right back leg. "Jump, frog!" Then, he shouted "Jump, frog!" and prodded the frog. "The frog jumped 8 inches...write it down, Sophie."

Finally, Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig shouting, "Jump, frog! Jump, frog! JUMP FROG!! JUMP JUMP FROG!!!"

The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, "So what should I write down?"

Sidney thought a moment, then told Sophie to write, "When you remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf."