Popular jokes (22861 to 22875)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Miracle worker...
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"
"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared, and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried, defensively, "DON'T TOUCH ME! I'm on long-term disability!"
A customer sent an order to a ...
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid, so he asked his collections manager to leave a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.” The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”Clean jokes-Better job
Running her fingers over his bald head, and his wrinkled face, Alice asked, "Were you created by God?"
"Yes" he answered.
"Did god create me, too?" she asked.
"Yes", he replied.
"Well", she shrugged, "Do you agree he's doing a better job now than he used to?"
Women should have labels on th...
Women should have labels on their foreheads saying"Danger: Government Health Warning: Women can be dangerous to your brains, bank account, confidence, razor blades and good standing among your friends."
First Class Blondie
A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
What's the business equi
What's the business equivalent of combining matter and anti-matter? A: cars with built-in smartphones, ie Kia and Nokia.Etch-A-Sketch
Memo:To all employees
Subject:Increased productivity
Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support.(See below)
The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support :
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny littlelines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
I can't stand my spouse&
I can't stand my spouse's family and she can't stand mine. We're kin dread souls.Really funny jokes-Grades
1. Dept. of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
2. Dept. of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
3. Dept. of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.
4. Dept. of Religion: Grade is determined by God.
5. Dept. of Philosophy: What is a grade?
6. Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
7. Dept. of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
8. Dept. of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade.
9. Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
10. Dept. of Physical Education: Everybody gets an A.
Substitute at the Pearly Gates
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Ham sandwich with mustard...
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife who suddenly appeared at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich, when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was NOT mustard!
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"
There was a sign at a strip cl...
There was a sign at a strip club indicating the cost for a lapdance, but it was per loined.Handcuffed
What do you call a handcuffed man?Trustworthy.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
