Popular jokes (22861 to 22875)

Class Logic

In a Classroom the teacher asks; Maria, go to the map and find North America

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

 Knock Knock Collection 070

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Frida!
Frida who?
Frida be!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Fruit!
Fruit who?
Fruit of the loom!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gabe!
Gabe who!
Gabe it my all!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gable!
Gable who!
Gable to leap buildings in a single bound!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gabor!
Gabor who!
Gabor'n to shop!

A little boy walks into a pet ...

A little boy walks into a pet store, and asks the keeper, "Hey Mister... Can I get some boyd seed??

The shopkeeper says "Pardon me?", to which the little boy repeats "Hey Mister... Can I please get some boyd seed??

The shop keeper says "Well, it's caled BIRD SEED, not boyd seed, so you go home and practice, and come back when you can say it properly..."

The little boy leaves, and comes back in two days. As the shopkeeper approaches, the little boy asks, "Hey Mister... Can I PUH-LEASE have some boyd seed?!?

Again, the shopkeeper explains to him it is called BIRD SEED, and he is to go home and practice, and come back when he can say it properly...

Two more days pass, and the little boy again enters the pet store. The shopkeeper approaches him and the boy asks, "Hey Mister... do ya wanna buy a dead boyd?!?"

What does a spy do i...

“What does a spy do in the rain? He goes undercover.”

The bishop was...

The bishop was excellent navigator. He was expert at working his way through all the little buoys.

A man walked into a therapist\

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed.
"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

The boss was concerned that hi...

The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door. After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

This guy's walking down t...

This guy's walking down the road minding his own business when he hears a little voice say:

"excuse me"

He looks around and can't see anything until his eyes rest on a small frog.

"hello" says the frog, "pick me up."

So the guy picks up the frog.

"take me home" says the frog.

So the guy takes the frog home.

When they get in, the frog tells the guy to sit down. After the guy takes a seat, the frog explains that it is not really a frog at all but a beautiful princess. All the guy has to do is give the frog a kiss and it'll turn back.

"I'll think about it" says the guy.

"What's there to think about? Wouldn't you like a beautiful princess?" asks the frog.

The guy replies, "Oh yeah, a beautiful princess would be nice - but a talking frog, that's pretty damn cool as well!"

A guy goes to a girl's house f...

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

“Overworked physicist

“Overworked physicists put too many ions in the fire.”

 An Engineer And A Programmer

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"
This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

I tried to make a living rowin

I tried to make a living rowing cows across a river. It was just income paddle bull with my lifestyle.

There are a lot of bel

There are a lot of belles at the pealer bar. You'll always have a good chime.

Marriage counselor

Husband to counselor: We were very happy for 22 years.

Counselor: What happened?

Husband: We got married.

Counselor, turning to wife: Do you agree with your husband's assessment of your marriage?

Wife: Yes, the only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

To set the scene, we are in Bo

To set the scene, we are in Borneo around 1900. A man is returning to his camp all alone when suddenly he finds himself facing about a score of unfriendly-looking - almost hostile - natives.
He thinks "headhunters", and although he has been a convinced atheist for many years he still mutters, "Oh my God! I think I'm buggered now!"
And a shalt of pearly light strikes miraculously down through the impenetrable foliage above him and lights him up, and a vast awesome voice from above rumbles, "Wrong, my son. You are not buggered yet. There's a sharp stone by your feet; why not use it to strike down the man nearest to you, for he is their chief?"
Our atheist looks up at the source of the light and murmurs, "Well - I'll be damned!" - which is prophetic, as it turns out, because as he stands the over the lifeless body of the chief, facing a score of absolutely horrified tribesmen, the vast and awesome voice from on high thunders, "Right, my son. NOW you're buggered!"