Popular jokes (22876 to 22890)

Doctor: “You’ll live to be...

Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I am 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”

What thrill ride doe...

“What thrill ride does a drink go on? A coaster!”

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN

10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag

9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats

8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher

7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head

6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher

5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system

4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings

3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus

2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks

1. No toes

Church Signs

"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."
"Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."

Confusius say,"Man who stands ...

Confusius say,"Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."

I feel the Death Star blows up

I feel the Death Star blows up planets for Alderaan reasons.

Might Kill Him

...

Might Kill Him

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, madam? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! when he told me he'd been saving up for 75 years... I thought he meant his money!"

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"God give me patience....And make it quick!"

An elementary school teac...

An elementary school teacher decides to pole the class on the difficulty of last night’s homework assignment:

Duh ... shouldn't that be: "poll" the class, unless she was making a point ... WITH A POINTED STICK!

Medical compliment

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.

The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''

The blonde yelled at the doctor, ''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!''

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

Insomnia cures are so common;

Insomnia cures are so common; they're a dime a dozin'.

Neighborhood Watch Program

I joined our neighborhood watch program last night...
There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it 1 day a month.

Maryland Crazy Law

Thistles may not grow in one's yard.

Baltimore

No person who is a "tramp" or "vagrant" shall loiter in any park at any time. They define tramp as a person who roves for begging purposes and a vagrant as an idle person who is able-bodied living without labor. It's a $50 fine. I guess the tramp would have to beg for the money to pay the fine. -Park Rule 6

It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.

It's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits.

It is a violation of city code to sell chicks or ducklings to a minor within 1 week of the Easter holiday.

It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. $10 fine. This would include joggers that go shirtless. (1898)

Baltimore City

You may not curse inside the city limits.

Though you may spit on a city roadway, spitting on city sidewalks is prohibited.

Columbia

Though clotheslines are banned, clothes may be draped over a fence.

You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25' satellite dish.

Ocean City

Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited.

A law from the early 1900's prohibits men from going topless on the Boardwalk. (Repealed)

#joke #animal #lion #food #eating #sport #swimming

Driver Illegally Parks

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

Who Am I?

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."