Popular jokes (23011 to 23025)

Big People Words

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk. "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH*T."

A man was sitting alone in his

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie appeared in a puff of smoke and said, "And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish, when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."
"Funny," said the genie, "That was your first wish, too."

Research Bush

A researcher called G. W. Bush house in Austin.
G. W was sleeping in late and was awaken by the call.
He was half-asleep when he answered the phone.
Researcher: Excuse me, sir. I'm conducting a survey
GW Bush: Questions? No political questions.
Reseacher: Political, sir?
GW Bush: Do you know who you are calling?
Researcher: We call numbers at random, sir. May I ask --
GW Bush: What is this about?
Researcher: We are asking people do they think COKE beats PEPSI.
GW BUSH: I've never tried Pepsi. Is that a new thing?

If you work in demolition, you deserve a raze.

#joke #short

It was hard when I gave up Isl

It was hard when I gave up Islam to study proctology. They declared me a prostate.

The Lumberyard

Have you heard about the guys who drove their pickup truck into a lumberyard? One of them walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" the clerk said.

"Let me go check," replied the man, and he went back to the truck.

"Yeah, I meant two-by-fours," he said, returning a few moments later.

"Alright. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute to think and then finally said, "I'd better go check."

After awhile he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're building a house."

“The couple separated

“The couple separated, for the wife had a stalemate.”

China Blames America

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.
China blames U.S. for second mid-air collision!
Beijing (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated they are holding the United States,” Fully responsible" for today’s mid air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American aircraft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U.S. spy plane.
Officials have stated that at approximately 8:46am, GMT, a squadron of F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese fighters downed and the blimps electronic billboard damaged.
A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision involving his squadron, nicknamed "Panda Rash", told China's news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and onto wingman Thee Sum Yun Dork's f-8 jet.
"I told Thee Dork his tail was all broken. Keep it straight. Keep it straight." said the pilot "He could not shake the American foreign-devil" The blimp reportedly then veered left then right, taking out the rest of the squadron.
Pilot Chawp Sueey told Xinhua the American blimp " Fully responsible for the incident" repeating the language Beijing had used in the earlier incident.
China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology.
Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots.
"The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way. The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying missions at sporting events makes us indignant" Chawp Sueey was quoted as saying.
Chinese officials are calling for an apology from the United States and enough Goodyear tires to replace the Firestone's that experienced spontaneous combustion last year.

Nancy runs crying into the off

Nancy runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.
"It's my boyfriend," gushes Nancy, "He was working on the engine of his car when the hood came down and cut off his finger!"
"My God," shrieks Carol, "did it amputate his whole finger?"
"No thank goodness," sniffs Nancy, "but it was the one right next to it!"

What is the most useful animal...

What is the most useful animal? Chicken -- because you can eat the chicken before it's born and then after it's dead.

“I've always pictured...

“I've always pictured myself taking selfies.”

 Knock Knock Collection 154

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Robert!
Robert who?
Roberts and burglars will rob you blind!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Robin!
Robin who?
Robin your house!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rocky!
Rocky who?
Rocky bye baby on the tree top...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Roland!
Roland who?
Roland Stone gathers no moss!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!

Whitney Cummings: On David Hasselhoff

From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: David Hasselhoffs d**k is like a Polaroid picture: nobody uses it anymore and shaking it does not make it appear faster.

Payback

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"ONE CENT - that's awesome!" exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?"

"Certainly, sir, "replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents," replies the bartender.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy... "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies... "Same as I'm doing to his business!"

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by calamjo

NED: Wa

NED: Was it was strange working beside the woman who had poseable breasts?
ED: Yes – it was quite the jugs-to-position!