Popular jokes (23011 to 23025)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Walks Into a Bar... Quick Shots
A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.The bartender asks, Dang, why are you drinking so fast?
The guy says, You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had.
The bartender asks, What do you have?
The guy says, 75 cents.
#joke #short #walksintoabar
“I've been trying to ...
“I've been trying to come up with a joke about a Mobius strip but I don't know where to begin.”
#joke #short
Waiting On A Long Line
The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate.
At one point she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !"
Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay.
Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.
#joke
The Last Quarter
The economy is terrible. At the beginning of the year, the politicians promised things would improve by the last quarter...
Well, I'm down to my last quarter and they haven't improved!
#joke #short
Shoulda taken the elevader?
Shoulda taken the elevader?
#joke #short
#joke #short
Taylor was desperate for busin...
Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.The judge ordered Taylor, 'You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.'
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.
When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, 'You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split.'
#joke
Visiting the modern art museum...
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby."This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."
#joke #short
Short funny jokes-New law
A new law was recently passed in West Virginia. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
#joke #short
The Bad And The Worse News
A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Man: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.
Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!
#joke #doctor
Grandmother....Is that you?
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
#joke
Good jokes-Brewery presidents
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies,
"Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies,
"Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Lightbulb Joke Collection 78
Q: How many alt.test readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One postmaster and 100 autoresponder mailbombs.
Q: How many alt.atheism readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to screw the bulb, one to prove that it exists anyway.
Q: How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One screws in the lightbulb, but seven more do too, due to a software bug.
Q: How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven. One to ask to be on the lightbulb gif mailing list, nine to say "ME TOO!", and another to post a message asking for the intructions on how to view a lightbulb.
Q: How many IRC chatters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They're so busy saying hello, goodbye, and kicking each other off that no one ever has enough time to get anything done !
Q: How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 300--one to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death.
Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 2, 1 to do it and 1 to read this huge file first to check it hasn't been done already !
Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 1000 - One to invent the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem."
#joke
