Popular jokes (23026 to 23040)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Docs go to Heaven
Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up.St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician.
St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him. "Sounds pretty good, okay you can go in to Heaven."
The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved.
St. Peter said, "Sounds very useful, very good, you can go in too."
The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.
"Well, what's that?" asked St. Peter.
So the doc told him exactly what that involved.
"Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too."
So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs.
St. Peter turns and calls after him, "Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Passport...
An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.
Until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.
"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please. "The old gal raised her right hand.
"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.
The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"
A couple are touring the Greek
A couple are touring the Greek islands when the girl develops a serious rash down below. She decides to go to a pharmacy and get some medicine for her condition. Her English is not very good and she tells the pharmacist, "I would like some medicine that get rid of bugs in my bush."The pharmacist misunderstood her and told her to go over to section with lawn care products and select one of the strong insecticides. The girl did as she was instructed and bought one of these products.
In a week she was back in the pharmacy again and talking to the pharmacist. He asked her if her condition was cleared up.
"Why yes, it is," she replied. "In fact all of the bugs in my bush are gone. My hair down there is gone too. And my boyfriends moustache is also gone!"
Death once had a near-Chuck-No...
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.Broke bicycle
Aunt Dorris agreed and they went to the backyard where a brand new bicycle was parked.
Aunt Dorris, "Wow, that's a beautiful bicycle! Can you ride it?"
"Of course I can ride it!" said Little Pamela, and then added sadly, "but it's broke."
Aunt Dorris looked again at the bicycle and it seemed absolutely ok to her.
So she asked her, "It looks fine to me. What's wrong with it?"
Little Pamela said, "Its strange. Whenever I ride it, it falls down!"
What Obama suffered from after
What Obama suffered from after the holidays: Presidential eggnog-urination.A Food Valentine
Cabba...
A Food Valentine Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You're such a Tomato,
Will you Peas to me belong?
You've been the Apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together,
We'd make a perfect pear.
Now, something's sure to Turnip,
To prove you can't be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me
Let's let our tulips meet.
Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now,
Bee my Honey, dear;
Or tears will fill Potato's eyes,
While Sweet Corn lends an ear.
I'll Cauliflower shop and say
Your dreams are Parsley mine.
I'll work and share my Celery,
So be my valentine.
Three men all die on Christmas
Three men all die on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who should go to hell, but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties. "How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter. "These are Carol's."A man and his wife go to their
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry."Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."“I had an account wit...
“I had an account with a bank in the North Pole, but they froze all my assets.”
Oral sex
A Priest had been in confessions all day without a break. He really had to take a dump, and his blatter was about to burst because he hadn't been able to relieve himself all day.
People kept coming to confess and the line was backed up already and he hated to leave. But he peeked out of his cubicle and signaled the janitor to come over.
He asked the janitor to cover for him and gave him the confessions book then sped off in the direction of the bathroom.
The janitor was a little bewildered but he went into the cubicle and sat down. A woman came knelt in front of his window and said, "Father I have sinned. I cheated on my husband."
The janitor scanned in the book until he found "adultery". He told the woman to say 50 "Hail Mary's" and wash in holy water.
Next came a man who told the janitor, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with another man."
The janitor looked and looked but he couldn't find a penance listed for oral sex. He leans out of the cubicle and whispered to an altar boy: "Hey, boy, what does the priest give for oral sex?"
With a smile, the boy replied, "Five dollars and a candy bar!"
The 3 Priests
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.The first priest approached the window...
"Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached...
"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." He turns red and runs away.
Then came the third...
"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates -
St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!"
