Popular jokes (23626 to 23640)

What falls but doesn't break, ...

What falls but doesn't break, and what breaks but doesn't fall? Night falls but doesn't break. Day breaks but doesn't fall.

In court

The following questions from attorneys were taken from official court records.

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A. He said, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q. Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q. I show you exhibit 2 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A. That's me.
Q. Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Do you know how far along in your pregnancy you are now?
A. I'll be three months on October 16.
Q. Apparently, then, the date of conception was July 16.
A. Yes.
Q.: What were you doing at that time?

So you were gone until you returned?

Q. She had three children, right?
A. Yes.
Q. How many were boys?
A. None.
Q. Were there girls?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q. You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A. Yes.
Q. And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q. Have you lived in this town all your life?
A. Not yet.

An attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question.”

Source: MarriageJokes.com

A couple of puns...

Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself. However, his clone was very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and respected. Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone. He was arrested by the local police for... making an obscene clone fall.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A woman went to the doctor's

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the firstdoctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

“I used to have a pet...

“I used to have a pet leech. It was attached to me.”

You Are A Chicken

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

Apples

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Pilot

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.

He directed that a Air Force base nearby to a Redneck town be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited to come and see it.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

What did the elephant say to t

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "Cute, cute, but can it pick up peanuts?"

Blonde jokes-Dollar on the sidewalk

A married couple, both avid go

A married couple, both avid golfers, was discussing the future one night.
"Honey", the wife said, "if I were to die and you were to remarry, would you two live in this house?"
"I suppose so - it's paid for."
"How about our car? Continued the woman. "Would the two of you keep that?
"I suppose so - it's paid for."
"What about my golf clubs? Would you let her use them too?
"Heck, no," the husband blurted out. "She is left-handed."

When my kidnappers shoved a s

When my kidnappers shoved a sock down my throat, I was filled with such clothing for them.

I can't believe I made it any

I can't believe I made it anywhere creatively, though, because I was raised by two loving and supportive parents. Nothing squashes creativity more than unconditional love and support from a functional household. If you have kids, sh*t on their dreams a little bit.

What do you like best about me....

I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me....

"Is it my firm, trim, athletic, body? Or, rather, is it my astounding intellect?"

She replied....

"Your sense of humor, dear."

Fifteen minutes into the fligh...

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our four engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "Our number two engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "Our number three engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours.

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "I hope that fourth engine keeps working, or we'll be up here all day!"