Popular jokes (23641 to 23655)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
On the first day of school, th
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it."Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"
Upon retiring from the service...
Upon retiring from the service, my husband, Don, needed a new ID card showing he had gone from active duty to retirement status. But the photo taken of him was not particularly good. And he wasn't at all quiet about it."If I have to carry that ID around with me for the rest of my life," he complained to the photographer, "I want a better picture."
"Want a better picture?" asked the photographer defiantly.
"Then bring us a better face!"
Water to Wine
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and getsstopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the
minister's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the
floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the minister.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The minister looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's
done it again!"
Knock Knock Collection 020
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Austin!
Austin who?
Austin corrected!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avenue!
Avenue who?
Avenue head the good news!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avocado!
Avocado who?
Avocado a cold!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Axel!
Axel who?
Axeldental Tourist!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Axl!
Axl who?
Axl me nicely and I might just tell you!
60 above - Floridians wear coa...
60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.Chicago people sunbathe.
50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Chicago people plant gardens.
40 above - Italian cars won't start.
Chicago people drive with the windows down.
32 above - Distilled water freezes.
Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.
20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.
15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.
0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.
Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the
sweatshirt.
20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.
Chicago people get out their winter coats.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.
Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets
cold enough.
80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes.
Chicago people rent some videos.
100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.
Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"
500 below - Hell freezes over.
The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.
Get The Name Right
BOSS: "What should we call this giant advertising board?"
PHIL: "A philboard!"
BILL: "No, wait... I have a better idea!"
The Job
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job.....The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.
Received from a Mother of 7 Children
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally they reached the ticket window. 'Five tickets, please,' the father said. 'Two round trip, three one way.'
Work For An Operator
The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.
Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please. Operator : I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct? Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.
* * *
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator : Woven? Are you sure? Caller : Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.
* * *
Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator : Where are you calling from?
Caller : The living room
* * *
Caller : The water board please.
Operator : Which department?
Caller : Tap water.
* * *
Operator : How are you spelling that?
Caller : With letters.
* * *
Caller : I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator : Do you have his name?
Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben.
* * *
Caller : The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator : You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
* * *
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.
Constantly Complaining About The Temperature
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
There's only one type of
There's only one type of lettuce, in Romainia.14 signs your Kitty wants you dead
14. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.13. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
12. You find a stash of 'Feline of Fortune' magazines behind the couch.
11. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
10. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
9. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
8. Droppings in litter box spell out 'REDRUM.'
7. Takes attentive notes every time 'Itchy and Scratchy' are on.
6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
2. You find a piece of paper labeled 'MY WIL' that reads 'LEEV AWL 2 KAT.'
1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
