Popular jokes (23656 to 23670)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Scent Makes You Gamble
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Monday, December 7, 1992
In September, the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation reported the development of an odor that makes gamblers bet more. In a study in Las Vegas, slot machines outfitted to emit the odor racked up 45 percent more business.
The neurologist who conducted the study predicted that the scent will become widely used in Las Vegas.
How long...?
When the surgeon came to see Rita on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first one ever to ask that after a nose job...."
The Wreck
Contributed by James Whitman
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
A traffic police constable sto
A traffic police constable stopped a motor bike: "Idiots, stop. You four are riding on a single bike. Don't you know it is a serious offence?"Youngsters: "Four? Good grief, where is the fifth?"
Jack: My sister wants to be an...
Jack: My sister wants to be an actress. Jill: Is she pretty? Jack: Well, I think she'll be perfect for radio.How do you locate a Greek rest
How do you locate a Greek restaurant? Use a gyro scope.Really funny jokes-Final list of things to do in the Library
1. Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say, “Never mind.
2. Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say, “BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!. .
3. Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, “Your just jealous ‘cause the voices are talking to ME!!!?
4. Say, “Who's Freddie??Then act like you didn't say anything.
5. Say, “Argh! My central nervous system in shot! Quick! Give me blue china!!!
6. Introduce your self by saying, “Hi! I'd like a hamburger, and a green South America please.?When they ask what your problem is, say, “Ohh, your not my fairy god mother? I'm sorry, he must have flown into the bookcases. Bye!?and run off.
7. Continuously rub a book while chanting, “Come out, come out. I know you're in there!?When they ask what you're doing, say, “I'm calling the book genie out!?/font>
8. Run up to them with a book, thrust it under their nose and ask, “Will you sign my autograph?!??Make sure you say MY.
9. Get up onto the table, and start acting like a duck. When they ask what you're doing, say happily, “I'm roosting!?
10. Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a very high number. When they ask what you're doing, say, “I'm counting my brain cells!?
11. Stick a ‘kick me?sing on your back, and accuse them of putting it their.
12. Repeat every thing they say to you.
13. Ask them, “Have you ever had an orange juice bath??When they look at you strangely, say, “What??
14. Look up suddenly and yell, “Ohh no!? When they ask you what happened, say, “Nothing.?Then do it again.
15. Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you, say, “Where were you on the night of February 32, 1989?!?
16. Look at one page number, then a different one. They say in astonishment, “Wow! The page numbers are in order! Cool! They guy who came up with that musta been a genius!!
17. Glance over your shoulder every few seconds.
18. Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal other wise.
19. Say to him/her, “You have the right to remain silent!?
20. Pat your stomach and say, “Whoa. Human extremities do not settle well.?
21. Get a child's book like “Green Eggs and Ham?and complain that there is no glossary.
22. Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, “Wow! Did you know that ‘affirmative?and ‘yes? mean the same thing??
23. Say, “Omph!?like you were just shot, and while smushing a ketchup pack on your chest, fall on the floor. Then get back up like nothing happened. After that, look at your stomach, and say, “What? How'd this stain get here??while motioning to the ketchup.
a tip for the ladies in ...
a tip for the ladies in the audience: "Bite Me!" is not near the insult your mind believes its going to be.What's that Restaurant?
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that's red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that's the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
An Old Fart
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
Steven Wright 08
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this [[[]]][[]][[[[. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
The penny scale...
After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.
He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!"
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too!"
