Popular jokes (24271 to 24285)

Emergency in the kitchen? Use ...

Emergency in the kitchen? Use pasta SOS.

An old man walked into the con

An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said tothe priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest replied, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were inconfession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
The priest paused, and then asked, "So then, why are you telling me?"
"Hey, I'm telling everybody."

3 Hillbillies

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze
1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "
2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly says: "Tha t's n othin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!"
1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker.

I would tell you the pun about

I would tell you the pun about the big person who ate the little person, but you wouldn't taller ate it.

Really funny jokes-Stuck under the bridge

What's the difference between ...

What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
The blonde works in the dark!

A "blondie" named Ni...

A "blondie" named Nina is appearing on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire with Regis Philbin...

Regis: "Nina, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left...phone a friend. The next question is worth one million dollars if you get it right. If you get it wrong you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"

Nina: "Yes."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it... A.-Robin B.-Sparrow C.-Cuckoo D.-Thrush."

Nina: " I think I know who it...but I'm not 100%. I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call my sister, Carol."

Carol (a newly turned blonde) answers the phone:"Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Carol, its Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire - I have your Sister Nina here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Nina's ..."

Nina: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A.-Robin B.-Sparrow C.-Cuckoo or D.- Thrush"

Carol: "Oh geez, Nin. That's simple...it's a Cuckoo."

Nina: "Are you sure? Are you REALLY sure?"

Carol: "I'm sure."

Nina: "HOW sure are you?"

Carol: "So sure that I am getting ready to pop open a bottle of champagne and reserve the airline ticket that you are going to buy me to come up and celebrate."

Regis: "Nina, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"

Nina: "I want to play! Carol is very dramatic and likes attention, but she HATES to be wrong! I'll go with C-Cuckoo."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Nina: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."

Regis: "So C is that your final answer?"

Nina: "Yes."

Regis: "You said C-Cuckoo...and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

To celebrate, Nina flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Nina looks at Carol and asks her,"Tell me, how did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

Carol: "Nina, it was easy.... Everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

While Bill waited at the airpo...

While Bill waited at the airport to board his plane, he noticed a computer scale that would give your weight and a fortune. He dropped a quarter in the slot, and the computer screen displayed: “You weigh 195 pounds, you are married and you’re on your way to San Diego.” Bill stood there dumbfounded.
Another man put in a quarter and the computer read: “You weigh 184 pounds, you’re divorced, and you’re on your way to Chicago.” Bill said to the man, “Are you divorced and on our way to Chicago?” “Yes.” Replied the man.
Bill was amazed. Then he rushed to the men’s room, changed his clothes and put on dark
glasses. He went to the machine again. The computer read: “You still weigh 195 pounds, you’re still married, and you just missed your plane to San Diego.

“The two geologists l...

“The two geologists lived only a stone's throw apart.”

The sergeant-major growled at

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."
The soldier replied: "Thank you very much, sir."

"The real question now is...

"The real question now is, is this a one-time thing, or will the vice president try to kill again." -- David Letterman

Say It With Flowers.....

A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read "Say It With Flowers."

"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.

"Only one?" the florist asked.

"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."

Hilarious jokes-First time at the restaurant

Judge: "Is there any reason yo

Judge: "Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?"
Juror: "I don't want to be away from my job that long."
Judge: "Can't they do without you at work?"
Juror: "Yes, but I don't want them to know it."

Little White Lie

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.
The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, 'Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds.'
While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me. 'Sweetheart,' she gently chided, 'this is not the Internet.'