Popular jokes (24331 to 24345)

Smart Johnny

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

“Vampires use must us

“Vampires use must use mouthwash because they have bat breath.”

Visions Of The Future

A man went to the doctor and said: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.”
“When did these start?”
“Next Thursday.”

A.J. Jamal: After Christmas

My mama was so cheap, she waited til after Christmas. Baby, Santa Claus missed our house. I called him, and he coming back tomorrow. She was waiting for the stuff to go on sale.

Dad's turn to feed the baby....

The first-time dad was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food all over the baby.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband, who is just staring off into space and says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm just waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

Turned 18 Today

Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it...
Guess I really am... Independent!

Embarrassed meteorologist

“The young meteorologist was embarrassed that he didn’t get the forecast for the tornado correct so he went into abasement to funnel his emotions.”

An absent-minded academic had ...

An absent-minded academic had just moved to a new house further along the same street. All too aware of his tendency to forget things, his wife took the precaution of writing down the new address on a piece of paper before he set off for work that morning.

"Here's the key to our new house," she said, "and remember, don't come back here this evening, go to the new address."

"Very well, dear," he replied, and set off for work.

Inevitably in the course of the day he mislaid the slip of paper and, forgetting all about the move, he automatically returned to the old address. When he tried the key, he couldn't get in. This prompted him to remember the move and to search in his pockets for the piece of paper, which was nowhere to be found.

In desperation, he wandered along the street and stopped the first approachable young man he came across.

"Excuse me, young man, I'm Professor Richardson. You wouldn't happen to know where I live, would you?"

The boy sighed. "Come with me Dad," he said.

A man went to the Police Stati...

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

 Knock Knock Collection 095

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irene!
Irene who?
Irene and Irene but still no one answers the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Iris!
Iris who?
Iris you were here!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irma!
Irma who?
Irma big girl now!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Isaac!
Isaac who?
Isaac'ly who do think this is?

Mom: Junior, I wouldnÂ’t jump ...

Mom: Junior, I wouldnÂ’t jump up and down on the bed like that if I were you. Junior: Well, how would you jump on the bed then, Mom?

You know your doctor is too ol

You know your doctor is too old when you look at the framed diploma on his wall and realize his Hippocratic oath was signed by Hippocrates!

Features Of A Baby

"Mom, you said the baby had your eyes and Daddy's nose, didn't you?"
"Yes, darling."
"Well, you'd better keep an eye on him... he's got grandpa's teeth now.

In a terrible accident at a ra

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"

First rule in cannibal basebal

First rule in cannibal baseball: Never wok the leadoff man.