Popular jokes (24376 to 24390)

Dog supermarkets became incred...

Dog supermarkets became incredibly noisy after the introduction of bark odes.

While I was "flying down ...

While I was "flying down the road yesterday, at a measly 4 miles over the limit, I passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait.

The traffic officer pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah" said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The officer stammered, "What? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, " I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand into a rectum. Then, I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about six feet wide."

"And what the hell do you do with a six foot ass hole?" asked the cop.

I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The look on the Cop's Face: PRICELESS!

Our Theme Song

"A-A-R-P, I wanna join the A-A-R-P..."
"Hey Joe, what's that you're singing?"
"I'm one of the Retirement Village People, and I'm practicing for our upcoming concert!"

There was a farmer who had a b...

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.

"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy.

After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop," said the boy. "Yes," replied his father.

"The bull just f….ed the brown cow."

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow."

The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy."

"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"

"He sure did, Pop! He f...ed the brown cow again!"

Barmen

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink,

Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),

At home as it is in the pub.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we will forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.

For ever and ever.

Barmen.

Why Does It Rain

Little Johnny: "Why does it rain, dad?"
Father: "To make the flowers grow and the grass and the trees."
Little Johnny: "So why does it rain on the sidewalk?"

 Answering Machine Message 232

Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.

Short funny jokes-Hit by lightning

Duct Tape

Q: What do The Force and duct tape have in common?

A: They both have a light side and a dark side, and they both hold the universe together.

A Republican and a Democrat we...

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats

A woman rushes into a hardware...

A woman rushes into a hardware store and said, “Can I have a muse trap, please? And will you be quick – I’ve a bus to catch.”
“Sorry, ma’am,” said the assistant, “we don’t sell ‘em that big!”

A group of bats, hanging at th

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat standing upright underneath on the floor of the cave.
Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?"
And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"

Three guys go in for a job int...

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?"

The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."

The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."

The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."

"Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office.

Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me."

The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts."

The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?"

"What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"

Rubik’s Cube Life

Life is like a Rubik's cube...
Easy to mess up, hard to solve.

Marathon runner

It was the finish line of the Boston marathon. A first time runner is hobbling away, having just finished.

A grizzled old marathoner looks at him and says “You'll feel a lot worse tomorrow.”

He pauses and then says, “But the really bad news is that in about 3 days, you're going to think you had fun today.”