Popular jokes (24361 to 24375)

Never criticize someone unless...

Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes; and then when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!

Eat with the stars

What a rip-off! Once I ate in a Hollywood restaurant that had a big sign outside' "EAT WITH THE STARS."

Turns out the restaurant was a converted planetarium.

Scary Collection 21

A ghost joke

What do ghosts have in the seats of their cars?

Sheet belts!


A ghost joke

What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?

Any old girl he can dig up!


A cannibal joke

Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation?

He said ''So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses!


A cannibal joke

Why would the cannibal only eat babies?

He was on a diet!


A ghost joke

Where do ghosts go on holiday?

The Ghosta Brava!


A vampire joke

Why wouldn't the vampire eat his soup?

It clotted!


A skeleton joke

Why did the skeleton run up a tree?

Because a dog was after his bones!

So one day, Gramma sent her gr...

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for
Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

People are always te...

“People are always telling me to keep my nose to the grindstone, but I'm afraid that will cause me to lose face.”

 The New French Cook

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.

While he was rooting around in

While he was rooting around in the basement, a man found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie emerged in a huge cloud of pink smoke.
"I am the all-powerful genie. I shall grant you one wish." The man thought about this, and decided that if there was one thing he couldn't get enough of, it was wine.
"I wish I could pee wine. That's my wish."
"Granted." And the genie disappeared. Later that day, the man's wife came home to find her husband naked, holding a glass.
"Why only one glass?" asked her wife.
"You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."

 Floppy Disk Care

By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.

1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
   
2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
   
3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
   
4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
   
5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
   
6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
   
7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.
   
8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
   
9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)
   
10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
    
11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
    

Really funny jokes-Signs

“If your doctor is a ...

“If your doctor is a quack, you have every right to duck him on the bill.”

Wrong Solution

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans! You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

When Can I Get That Haircut?

A shady-looking guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looks around the shop and says, About two hours. The guy smiles and leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop.
Bill, where did he go when he left here?
To your house.

An elderly woman walked into t...

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. “No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.

Buy a grade...

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

The monks kicked the priests o...

The monks kicked the priests out of their choir because they couldn't carry a tunic.