Popular jokes (25066 to 25080)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
5 Things Women Will Never Understand
Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it's annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they'll never understand...This Dog Is Acting Bad
While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs.
A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?"
To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him."
An airline captain was helping...
An airline captain was helping a new Antartian flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"Milk the cow...
After much urging by his wife, Uncle Joe applied for work on a farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk a cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket.
An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and the broken stool in the other.
"Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The worst part was getting the cow to sit on the stool!"
Why is the mistletoe hanging o...
Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?� asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush.The clerk replied, �It�s so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.�
Business one-liners 49
Acheson's Rule Of The Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. - Dean AchesonAction's Law: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Adler's Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats.
Advertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable.
Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
Allen's Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. - Woody Allen
Albrecht's Law: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.
Alden's Laws: (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy. (2) Always be backlit. (3) Sit down whenever possible.
Andrea's Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can.
Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Answering Machine Message 258
You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
The invention of the vacuum cl
The invention of the vacuum cleaner led to rapid in dusty realization.Microsoft Renames Itself
Newsflash
Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" -- which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement.
"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'.
Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.
A Blonde woman was standing ne
A Blonde woman was standing near a train platform in New York with a pair of handcuffs and some rope.A gentleman being curious asked the blonde what the handcuffs and rope were for.
The blonde responded by saying, "The news reported a runaway train heading to New York and I want the reward for the capture."
It seems a certain crook had t...
It seems a certain crook had the bad habit of spitting tobacco juice. And he didn't exactly care where he spit.A keen eyed detective noticed tobacco juice stains on some papers that had been ransacked at an insurance office where a burglary had occurred. Since none of the ladies in the office chewed tobacco, he reasoned the spit belonged to the thief and took a DNA sample.
Tobacco spit was also found at five other crime scenes in the area. The DNA in all of them matched.
The police had a suspect for the robberies and got a warrant to test his DNA. Voila! It matched. They are expecting a conviction.
Switching trains
I was in New York's Grand Central Terminal on my way to visit friends in Connecticut. I had never taken the trip before and was wondering if I needed to switch trains in Stamford.
Walking to the train, I saw the conductor and asked, “Do I need to change?”
“No,” he replied immediately. “You're fine the way you are. Your bag matches your shoes and your earrings are the same colour as your outfit. Very co-ordinated.”
