Popular jokes (25051 to 25065)

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Prayers and Illnesses

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
Due to the rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: God Is Good--Dr. Hargreaves is better.
This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship.
Said during a congregational prayer when leading prayer for unsaved loved ones: “Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.”
Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.
“I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.”
On a church postcard: “I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I would like a personal call.”
Church sign: “Jesus Saves!” Safeway sign across the street: “Safeway saves you more!”
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page

#joke

One Wish..

A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

"For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?"

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Allah Ka Zam!" said the genie.

"You're a housewife!"

Safe sex

A pretty woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when the car breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."

She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?"

Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

Jed says, "You remember that woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

On News Year's Eve, a th...

On News Year's Eve, a thin and bony husband is walking around in the house wearing only his boxers.

His wife comes out of the kitchen and says "Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on."

"Oh no, I won't," he says. "I want everybody to see how you feed your husband ..."

"Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there's nothing that I should feed you for."

Real News Headlines 01

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

Q. How many programmers does i...

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. That's a hardware issue.

Dust

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer.

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look

on his upturned face.

"Without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment a very obedient daughter (who was

listening intently for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite

audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"

Say What?

A researcher claims he has perfected a cure for deafness.
Now I’ve heard everything.

Apple Sues Apple Corp.

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Apple Corporation Sues Itself.
[AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads, Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computers Corporation. The company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own machines which has helped to make the company famous.
An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke. If we don't protect our copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves." The spokesperson says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple's in house lawyers will defend.
Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. "In the old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on reality."
The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college students and professionals.

Q: How do you...

Q: How do you prove to someone you're from New York City?
A: Mug them.

"Just to establish some parame...

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
"Elation."
"And you, sir, how about the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddy up..."

A redneck's last words are alw...

A redneck's last words are always, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

An Iowan Visits Arkansas

This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white

wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and

the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around

here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell

is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's

OK boys, he's one of us!"

"You admit having broken into ...

"You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered the suspect.

"And what did you steal?"

"A dress, your honor," replied the suspect.

"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"

"Yes, your honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the color."

Fairy tales...

When Chelsea Clinton was eight, Hillary was reading one of her favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked Chelsea, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?""

"No, dearest," replied Hillary, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...'"