Popular jokes (25306 to 25320)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Judge: Haven’t I seen you be...
Judge: Haven’t I seen you before?Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums.
Judge: Twenty years!
A college student challenged a...
A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.�You grew up in a different world,� the student said. �Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers��
Taking advantage of a pause in the student�s litany, the geezer said, �You�re right. We didn�t have those things when we were young; so we invented them!"
I thought you didn't believe in Me!
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened it's mouth waiting below to swallow them both.
As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out, "Oh, God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in mid-air a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer, you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"
The atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also."
God replies, "So be it."
The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided..."
A paper bag goes to the doctor...
A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill. The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results.The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he is HIV positive.
"But how can this be" he cries, "I'm only a paper bag".
"Well have you had unprotected sex in the last year" asks the doctor.
"No, how can I!?" he shouts "I'm only a paper bag"
"How about sharing needles, giving blood, anything like that"
"I've said to you before" the paper bag sobs "how can I, I'm only a paper bag"
"Ahhhh" says the doctor shaking his head sadly. "As I suspected... Your mother must have been a carrier"
Furniture stores are often loc
Furniture stores are often located in the seaty part of town.The young couple is on their h...
The young couple is on their honeymoon. After a few hours of exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while.""We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where do you think you're going?"
"Nowhere, Sweetie," he says. "Please turn over."
The golf ball...
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?"
He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!"
The man replies, "I found it."
Christmas Time
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
"Very nice Patrick," she said.
"Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.
We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
"Very nice Jimmy," she said.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked,
"Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...And begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have in Jesus". Then we all go to the Bahamas ."
Answering Machine Message 30
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Very fast: Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
>Dear Abby:
I am forty... >Dear Abby:
I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.
>Rose
>Dear Rose:
So would I.
Abby
Top ten signs your Amish teen is in trouble...
10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full 'KISS' makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, 'Thou sucketh.'
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by 'Jeb Daddy.'
5. Defiantly says, 'If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap.'
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression, 'Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening.'
2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
Change for a $15 bill
An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.
He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"
