Popular jokes (2536 to 2550)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Two bats
Two bats are going for their midnight feed.After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"
The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"
Other bat says, "I didn't."
Sleep
It doesn't matter if i sleep 2 hours or 13 hours, i will still be tired next day. Pray Before Eating
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
Really funny jokes- Classified classics
A compilation of hilarious classified classics!!!** A superb and economical restaurant. Fine food, expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
** No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
** Sale! Sale! An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
** We don't tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
** Great chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
** Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
** Dinner Special - Turkey $2.75; Chicken or Beef $2.50; Children $2.00.
** Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
While the bar patron savored a...
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating.""I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
Christmas gift from girlfriend
Your Christmas Joke of the Day from @anthonyjeselnik. http://on.cc.com/1x4Fxvs God is Watching
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching." At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Moving through the line a boy wrote another note to leave by the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
Come On Mister
A naked man runs into a tailor's shop.
The tailor says, "You can't be in here with no clothes on!"
The man says, "Come on mister, cut me some slacks?"
An Air Canada plane leaves...
An Air Canada plane leaves Toronto's Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seemed to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, ‘I don't like Chinese.'
No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, ‘why not?' ‘You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'
‘No, no', the co-pilot protests, ‘Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.”
Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese …doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
‘I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
‘Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
‘Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
‘What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, ‘It was an iceberg!'
‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, …no mattah …all fukin same.’
A man running late for his once in a lifetime dream...
A man running late for his once in a lifetime dream job interview is frantically trying to find a parking spot in a packed lot... Time is not on his side, and he starts to panic. In his last ditch attempt, he turns to the skies, and begs: “God, please, help me out here. I’ll do anything… I’ll quit smoking. I’ll stop drinking. I’ll donate money to charity.” As soon as he finishes his plea, the skies open up, and the bright light shines on to an empty parking space. The man holds up his hand, and goes: “Never mind, I found one”.
I Had A Disease
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive.
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
Blue Balls
A week after their marriage, Phil and Jill (newlyweds) paid a visit to their doctor "I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said Phil."My testicles are turning blue."
"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor.
"Let me examine you."
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, Phil's testicles are blue. The doctor turns to Jill.
"Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"
"Yes, I am," she replied.
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?
"Grape."
Yes, Theo
"Yes, Theo, what is it?" asked the teacher.
"I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I don't get better grades, someone was going to be in big trouble."
Nice cheeks
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'
'My darling,' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
