Popular jokes (2551 to 2565)

Adopted Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.”

A blonde pilot decided she wan...

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter.
She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her by radio.
So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.
"What happened?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3000 feet. What happened then?"
"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan."

An old Italian couple were wal

An old Italian couple were walking around in the mall. After a while they got separated, so the woman went up to the first saleswoman she saw and asked, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.
So the Italian woman went to ask another saleswoman, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?"
"No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband," replied the second clerk.
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers, "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety-split."
To which the Italian woman answers, "No. No. No! That's not a me Tony. He pinch-a the bum, grabba the breasts but he no lickety my split!"

The Baloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'
The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'
The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault.'

What would you like to hear?

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to an orientation in Heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"

Sticky Hair?

Rabbit is hopping along the forest one day, when he comes upon Bear taking a dump.

Bear says, "Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit replies, "No Bear, I don't. Why do you ask?"

So Bear grabs Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

New-Fangled Ideas

An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm! The front of the church always fills first now."As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued, “You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So, I supported you when you bought in that rock ‘n’ roll Gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed.“"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.""All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But, I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!""Yes," replied, the elderly priest. "I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n’ Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!"-

Sometimes

Sometimes the person who tries to keep everyone happy is the most lonely person.

A Good Day for Ice Fishing

After church, little Johnny and his brother go ice fishing. Little Johnny starts drilling on the ice when a voice from above says, "Young man, there's no fish down there.”Little Johnny asks his brother, "Who is that?"His brother replies, "I don't know."So little Johnny starts to drill again and the voice says again, "For the second time, there's no fish down there."Little Johnny asks his brother, "Could that be God?"His brother replies again, "I don't know." Little Johnny starts drilling again and the voice says once more, "Young man, for the last time, I'm telling you there's no fish down there."Johnny looks up and asks, "Is that you, God?"The voice says, "No, I'm the manager and the rink's closed."-

Why White?

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

A note from mom...

John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."

A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".

A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".

Blind date

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

An amazing dog

There was this ad posted on the office window of an accounting firm :

"HELP wanted. Must be able to type 70 words per minute. Computer literacy is required. Must be bilingual. EQUAL EMPLOYER."

So there was this dog ambling outside the office. It noticed the ad and shuffled into the office to apply for the position. The employer took one look at the dog, shook his head and said "But I can't hire a dog."

The dog pointed at the words EQUAL EMPLOYER on the ad. So the employer said, "OK, can you first type this document?" and gave the dog a letter. The dog typed everything correctly and neatly without a mistake at a rate of 70 words per minute.

Flustered, the employer then said, "Then, can you put these figures into spreadsheet and make a program to feed it into the mainframe, process it in the General Ledger Module and give me the Balance Sheets and Profit and Loss Statement?" and gave the dog some documents. The dog completed the spreadsheet, the program, the Balance Sheet and the P/L statement promptly & correctly.

The employer shook his head, pointed at the ad and said, "But are you bilingual?"

The dog said "Meow!"

Speed Read Recipes

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction...
I read to the end and say, "Well, that's not going to happen."

Spanish Fly

A guy offers to buy a drink for an attractive young woman seated at a bar.
She gives him the green light, so he goes to the end of the bar and whispers to the bartender to make up a Martini for her and to put some Spanish-fly in the drink.
The bartender whispers back to say he's all out of Spanish-fly and all he has left is Jewish-fly.
Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says, OK, put some of that in her drink.
As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cozy, really warming up to the guy.
Finally, she finishes the drink, leans over and whispers in his ear. 'Let's go shopping.'