Popular jokes (2686 to 2700)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
We all have times when life feels hard
We all have times when life feels hard; when we’re frustrated and tired and just want to hide away. If that’s you right now, don’t worry – every caterpillar has to rest to become a butterfly and you’ll soon find your wings again. In the mean time, let your Angels wrap you in theirs. You are so loved.
I wish people would stop making fun of fat people
I wish people would stop making fun of fat people – they have enough sh-t on their plates.
Eddie Murphy (April 3 1961-)
Picture: Getty Images
International Day of the Tropics Joke
June 29th is International Day of the Tropics! Find jokes about it!
Why don't scientists trust atoms when vacationing in the tropics?
Because they make up everything, even the "sandy" beaches!
I once spent ten years marooned on a tropical shore...
I lived on nothing but coconuts and seafood. I fashioned sandals out of leaves, a hut out of grass and sticks, and I kept myself healthy with wild plants.
One day I was scouring the beach for copper wire to build the radio I was working on, and I came across a small white spheroid about 2" in diameter that I had difficulty biting.
The mystery was solved when a man stepped out of the trees and said, "That's mine." Astonished,
I asked him, "Where did you come from?"
He said, "From the golf resort just the other side of those trees."
#internationaldayofthetropics #dayofthetropics
A devoted wife had spent her l...
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Complicated order
A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called the head waiter to his table. "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."
"That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to prepare."
The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!!"
Nurse Jenny
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
It was the kindergarten teache...
It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift. The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers".
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.
The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said the little girl.
So she tasted it again. "Is it champaigne?" she asked.
"No," replied the little girl, "It is a puppy.
Parents explaining body parts
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers.
“Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks.
“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Reading the Dictionary
Tried to read the dictionary in bed last night.
Didn't finish it.
Got up to 'P'.
An elderly couple was attendin...
An elderly couple was attending church services.About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just silentlypassed gas - what do you think I should do?"
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Where are the monkeys?
The young lady strolled thru the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, "Where are all of the monkeys?"
"They're all back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right in the midst of the mating season."
"I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I offered them some of these peanuts?"
Smiling the keeper responding, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know Miss. Would *YOU*?"
Traffic court
A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
50th anniversary
Every Wednesday night at St. Rocco’s Catholic Church is a marriage seminar for husbands.
One night Father Gill asked Fabio to share his secrets for staying happily married for almost 50 years.
Fabio explained that he’d tried to treat his wife nice, buy her a few things, and best of all, he took her to Rome for their 25th anniversary.
Father Gill asked, “So what are you going to do for your 50th?”
Fabio proudly answered, “I’m gonna go pick her up!”
