Popular jokes (2821 to 2835)

A Department Store

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

Arrived safely

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer to let her know he had arrived safely.

Unfortunately, he miss typed a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

Popping the question

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"

The silver-haired Marcie looked up to see a distinguished-looking, white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and moved over gently to give him room to sit down.

For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long, happy marriages, ha lost their spouses during the previous year, and in general agreed about almost everything.

Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?"

With great interest and anticipation, Marcie replied, "Why certainly!"

The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcie, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"

Marcie grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcie said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"

Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"

Childhood Sweethearts

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says: "We've got to give it back".
She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home.
One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
She says: "No"..
The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." 

But the policemen sit the man down & begin to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, the policeman looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."      

Three drunks hailed a taxi...

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.

Speed Read Recipes

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction...
I read to the end and say, "Well, that's not going to happen."

Love and Cherish till …..

A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
'Darling, how I've missed you!'
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!'

A drunk man who smelled like b...

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being withcheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,'then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the manand apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.I was just reading here that the Pope does.

A game of baseball

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

D.L. Hughley: Police Following You

You ever have the police follow you so long, you get suspicious of your damn self? Maybe I did kill them people. Im a go ahead and turn myself in.

Ex-Girlfriend

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

The last word

Two husbands, Bill and Doug, were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were argument sometimes.

Then Bill said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."

"Wow!" said Doug, "How do you manage that?"

"It's easy," replied Bill. "My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"

McDonalds Food Ideas

Food Ideas Rejected By McDonalds:

1. Chicken McBobbitts
   
2. Salmon McNella
   
3. Tom & Roseanne "Together Forever" Value Meal
   
4. Shirley McLean Burger
   
5. McMenudo
   
6. Filet o' Gefilte Fish
   
7. Way Too Happy Meal
   
8. Lion King Hairball Happy Meal
   
9. Them Ain't Nuggets!
   
10. McKitty Sandwich
    
11. Boutrous Boutrous Burger
    
12. Rocky Mountain McOysters
    
13. McSpleen
    
14. The Depressed Meal
    
15. Filet O' Flesh
    
16. McShrooms
    
17. Bob Barker's Happy Pants Meal
    
18. McTonya Club Sandwich
    
19. Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal
    

April Fool's Day - Suggestion

Stick googly eyes on the food in your refrigerator.

Free Quotes

I saw a contractor's truck that offered free quotes.
So I asked for one.
He said, "To be or not to be, that is the question."