Popular jokes (2941 to 2955)

One of the regular foursome wa...

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9:30 okay?"
George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."
The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.
They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9:30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."
The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again.
"Okay, for 9:30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.
George said, "Sure, but wait for me if I'm ten minutes late."
Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute. You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you're always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."
George said, "Well, that's true. I'm superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."
"What if she's lying on her back?"
George said, "That's when I'm ten minutes late!"

Popping the question

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"

The silver-haired Marcie looked up to see a distinguished-looking, white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and moved over gently to give him room to sit down.

For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long, happy marriages, ha lost their spouses during the previous year, and in general agreed about almost everything.

Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?"

With great interest and anticipation, Marcie replied, "Why certainly!"

The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcie, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"

Marcie grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcie said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"

Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"

To the thief who stole my pill...

To the thief who stole my pillow, know this. I will not rest until I find you.

The Skin Graft

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.  

Bulk mail

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Meth addicts

What did one meth addict say to the other? Let's be frenzy.

What did the drummer call his...

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
- Anna one, Anna two...

Once there was a golfer whose...

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"
Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

Late Again

Teacher: "Why are you late this morning?"
Student: "Its my alarm clock. Everyone got up except me!"
Teacher: How did the alarm clock make you the only one not to get up?"
Student: "There are eight of us in the my family and the alarm clock was only set for seven."

Rider

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"
The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.    

Brendon Walsh: Bathroom Break

Ever been at your job and you get so bored and sick of doing it that you just go to the bathroom to hang out? You dont even need to go. You just want a change of scenery for a little bit.

WORST HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS...

WORST HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS FOR A RETIREMENT HOME EVER

17 Thanksgiving jokes and quotes

My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn't just quit "cold turkey."

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Norma Lee.
Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee I don't eat this much!

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She turned to the stock boy and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No, ma'am," he replied. "They're dead."

What is a turkey’s favorite dessert? - Peach gobbler!

Mom wants you to help us fix Thanksgiving dinner.
Dad: Why? Is it broken?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Tamara.
Tamara who? Tamara we'll have turkey leftovers!

Why did the cranberries turn red?
Because they saw the turkey dressing!

Why do pilgrims’ pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hats!

What did the turkey say to the computer?
“Google, google, google.”

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

A new survey found that 80% of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying 'that smells good' to be helping.
Jimmy Fallon

Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
The turkey because it’s already stuffed!

Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn't chicken.

"What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?"
"If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"

What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.

If Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be known for?
Their age!

What did the hipster say the day after Thanksgiving?
A: I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

While shopping for vacation cl...

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and Ipassed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied.
"You'd never get it all in one."

Texas

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.

After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

“Say, is this really a healthy place?”

“It sure is,” the man replied.

“When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.”

“That's wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”

“I was born here.”