Popular jokes (3031 to 3045)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Chinese laundry
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say, Sem Ting."
Blonde gets haircut
A blonde went to a beauty salon to get a haircut. When the beautician approached the chair where the blonde was waiting, she noticed that she was wearing a walkman. The beautician took the blonde to her styling booth. She asked the blonde, "Please take off the walkman so I can cut your hair." The blonde replied, "I can't do without it, just cut around it."
The beautician shook her head in disbelief and started cutting. A few minutes later the beautician stopped and asked the blonde, "I just can't cut your hair properly while you are wearing that walkman. Please take it off." The blonde replied, "I just can't live without it, cut around it please." The beautician started cutting again and finally had had enough.
The beautician reached down and pulled the earphones from the walkman off the blonde. Just as she did so the blonde froze, then fell out off the chair and on to the floor. The staff at the salon rushed to her aid only to discover she was stone dead. All were stunned! The beautician lifted the earphones to her ear to listen to what was so important to the blonde.
In a soft but commanding voice she heard, "Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............"
Health or Wisdom
It is better to be healthy than wise...
Being sick costs you money, but you can be dumb for free.
At the mall
A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... the Woolworthâs manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
Three nuns...
Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are confronted by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you can get into heaven you must answer a question." Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" She says, "Oh that's easy, that was Adam." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven.
So Saint Peter asks the second nun "Who was the first woman on earth?" She says "Oh that's easy that was Eve." Same thing happens - birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven.
So Saint Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard one." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven!
Benefits of the Revival
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
A brunette who really hated bl...
A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars. 'Every blonde in the world will get two million.' The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.
'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'
The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. 'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.
'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'
French Computers
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine."House," in French, is feminine-"la mansion."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "...What gender is computer?..."
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Few people understand what it means to really be there for somebody
Few people understand what it means to really be there for somebody. And that’s the toughest part about being on a journey, you realize the main ones that said they will ride with you, are the first ones to fall off. People make promises when the sun is shining and make excuses when the storm comes. That’s why I am always thankful for the rain. It washes away the unnecessary. The reality is, you could be amazing, genuine and sincere but still be overlooked. Having a good thing is so hard because meeting a strong person is so rare. So I’ve learned to understand when people run from me, I realize my kind of love ain’t for everybody. Dear Abby Admitted She Was At...
Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss To Answer The Following!Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current situation in Washington, DC.
Teenage Daughters
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters...
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."
Outdoorsy Man
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level
He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.' Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!' 'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a shitty golfer.'
